The List

chapter 16

 The nights, were damp and cool in Monte Verde, as you'd expect, living a mere three miles from the sea. We pulled the pillows under our heads and the blankets up to our chins, radiating body heat and huddled with our fingers barely touching.

Ryder's truck served as our makeshift bed for the night, puffy with comforters and endless amount of pillows swaddling us in comfort, three people barely fitting in the bed of the trunk, although I was half on top of Ryder, his arm comfortably wrapped around my waist.

Eros wanted to see the stars.

I supposed, one of the perks of living in a small town were that the ambient light seemed lesser, and we were able to glimpse at the heavens above us, the stars that gleamed and constantly reminded us we were not alone in this universe.

"What are we going to do for your birthday Alice?" I turned my head to catch Ryder looking down at me, eyes bright despite the darkness surrounding us.

"I didn't realize we were spending it together."

Eros lightly chuckled beside me, lifting his arm to tuck it behind his head, eyes wide at the sky.

"Why would you even tempt that idea Alice! Of course we are spending your birthday together! In fact, I think it's time we have the first invite-only party of the year."

I shook my head, "I don't want it to be a—"

"Or course it's going to be hard to plan a party within a week, but I've done worse," Ryder cut me off, shrugging slightly.

I remained silent.

"The big 17," Eros spoke unexpectedly, effectively shutting up both Ryder and I, all thoughts of a discussion on what balloons he should use and flower arrangements to buy.

"You're an awfully young junior Alice," he spoke again, head twisting to frown at me.

"So what if I'm a young junior Eros!" I jutted out my chin at him.

The frown lifted to a minuscule smile. "There's nothing wrong with that Alice, I just think it's curious."

"When's your birthday?"

He turned fully toward me, his chain spilling out of his shirt, the delicate ballerina charm glinting in the starlight.

"March 18th."

"And you're going to be 18?" I prodded.

Eros nodded.

"Well, what do you want to do for your birthday?" I spoke softly. It was a rare instance when I had the opportunity to learn more about my mysterious friend, and I didn't want to waste it.

"Whatever Ryder wants to do," he said dryly, shifting his gaze to a lightly snoring Ryder. Eros rolled his eyes, "We don't talk to him for twenty seconds and he knocks out, honestly."

I giggled, and turned fully to Eros, our faces inches apart, legs tangled together, fingers just barely brushing together.

Ignoring how close we were, I spoke again, "The poor kid co-hosted the party of the flipping century yesterday, give him some slack."

Eros shook his head and his head tilted to the sky again, silence resuming, allowing for the air to be filled with the sound of the rough waves crashing against the sides of the cliffs, slowly lulling to me sleep.

"Do you believe in God?"

I blinked twice, coming out of my momentary stupor. Yawning, I responded, "I think there's something out there, I think we have to realize that there's something far greater than us, whether it be the universe, or God."

He remained still, lips barely moving as he spoke. "I used to believe in God. I believed God brought joy to my life because, fuck, Alice I lived a good life in Virginia. Then, when my parents died, I just couldn't wrap my mind around God taking away the people I needed the most at that age, God taking them away from me in such a cruel way."

He turned to me, "Is that stupid?"

I shook my head fervently, it wasn't stupid, it was just sad. Seeing his faith be diminished because of the death of the most important people in his life.

"What were you like..." I looked up to the sky, feeling Eros' gaze on me. "Before."

"In Virginia?"

I nodded.

He chuckled lowly. "I was not the greatest student, nor was I the greatest grandson. I acted out at school and at home because I didn't know how to cope with my emotions. I found ways to get adults to buy me alcohol and cigarettes and I became addicted to them because they numbed the pain, and that's something I still battle with. I'm not proud of being so reliant on alcohol or cigarettes, but, I really don't know a lot of coping mechanisms."

He was radiating heat, and I was reveling in it, somehow, our bodies much closer than before. My hand lifted and traced the silver charm that hung around his neck.

"But you're different now, you're a great student and I'm sure you're a great grandson too."

A hand came out and pulled some of my hair from my face, trailing down to my hand, eventually resting on my hip, warming the skin that was underneath the fabric of my jeans.

"I started to go to therapy," he joked, but continues nonetheless, "And I don't know. She taught me new coping mechanisms and helped me work through my parent's death, I mean, it still fucking hurts but at least I don't drink every time I think about them."

I stayed quiet for a moment, eyes locked on my hand holding the charm.

"Why don't you want any more friends, any more than Ryder I mean?"

The hand tightened and I was pulled closer. "I don't know," he confessed. "Ryder's just someone you can't help but love, and he tried really hard to be my friend, I couldn't just say no."

At this, I laughed. He was right.

"But I don't want to make connections here. I don't need more friends, I'm content with who's in my life right now. I don't want to get attached to anyone else."

"Why?"

"Everyone I love leaves Alice."

I swallowed, eyes growing heavier by the minute. I replied softly, not even sure if he could hear me. "Ryder's here Eros, Maria, your grandma. Me too. We won't leave you Eros."

He pulled me into his chest now, I was breathing in scents of ocean salt and wind and fire. His body relaxed as we both fell into a silent stupor, sleeping hanging just above us.

It occurred to me at those few minutes before sleep, that I finally broke through. Eros felt safe enough to truly tell me about himself, to let down his walls and show me his vulnerabilities.

A small smile graced my lips at my minuscule accomplishment.

I felt a pair of lips press softly on my forehead.

"Goodnight Alice."

☾

bro, chapters like these hurt my fucken heart

there's this kid- and he's super adorable, and every time i see him my heart aches and i don't know what to do haha

ALSO A BITCH IS SHOOK WITH THE GREATEST SHOWMAN, WHO TF WATCHED IT? LETS DISCUSS! 

all my love <3