Vorfreude

Chapter 39

*Before we begin, a lot of people have been sending me their suggestions for a dream cast. I've got quite a few people saying for Kat, they see Katherine Langford or Vanessa Hudgens and for Oliver, they see either Austin Butler or Shawn Mendez! What do you think? Drop your opinions in the comments! *

I do this thing where I shut down the second my hopes are crushed. I let it affect my mood for the rest of the day for no reason at all. Nothing inside of my head actually processes once the flip is switched and I can't seem to grow out of that regardless of how small of an inconvenience something is.

Nonetheless, I wallow in my own self-pity as the signing goes by quickly.

That's just who I am.

I smile, take some pictures, meet some incredible fans and pretend everything that happened with Harry didn't actually happen. I begin believing myself until Oliver and I climb inside the car and he starts talking about the incident beforehand. To be honest, I want to forget about that girl and the words she said. I want to forget about Harry and take a breather from anything in hindsight. I haven't even been in the media a solid month and suddenly I'm labeled as a slut because I have connections with such an icon. The more it spins around in my head, the more unrealistic it seems. I'm on the brink of reality and I need to get my shit together before I take the wrong step and imperil my future.

I look down at my phone as the car speeds away back towards our hotel or airport. At this point, I can't even tell you if we're coming or going. When my mind blanks, it loses all track of focus.

I notice I have some notifications from Harry, but I don't read them. It might actually be the safest option that I get some distance for the time being. If my mind locks on him and what's going on between us, I'll only be letting myself down. Plus, I feel my heart constantly pounding because of the thought of there being "fans" out there that are out to intentionally hurt another being for just associating with their idol.

"How are you?" Abigal asks as she now sits in the passenger seat in the front. Andy looks in the rearview mirror at me and I glance back to his wife.

"I'm fine," I lie, "just tired."

Even in the dark light, I can see the dazzle of light gleam in her eyes. She seems like she's always a joyous person.

"Do you want anything to eat? We could stop and pick up take out if you want or we could go to a restaurant. The choice is all yours, baby."

I smile at her, feeling a little obligated to choose the restaurant because she seems to want to talk more, but I have to put my foot down. I need space from everyone at the moment.

"Would you mind if I just went to bed? I'm not really hungry."

Harry and I did consume an unhealthy amount of Chinese food earlier which I could blame for the unsettling movement that is swirling in my stomach. I'm not one to normally eat tons of Chinese, but he ordered a little bit of everything and I couldn't help myself.

"Of course! Andy, honey, let's drop her off at the hotel and we can go try that pizza parlor up the road. Oliver, does that sound okay? Do you like pizza?"

Oliver's body is a stone beside me. In fact, he hasn't really said a word to me since we arrived at the venue and he helped me get cleaned up. He called Sarah and she got me get a new dress that helped cover my arm that now has a huge bandage on it almost immediately. After that, he's been mute.

I turn my head to him. His eyes are staring off into space, but I quickly learn he's paying attention.

"I'm pretty beat myself, I think I'm going to turn in too if that's alright, mate?"