Prisoner of Circumstance | ✔️

Journal Entry #281 - A Distressed Paradigm Shift

Journal Entry #281 – A Distressed Paradigm Shift

Dear diary,

Franz Kafka once said in his book titled Diaries of Franz Kafka, "People label themselves with all sorts of adjectives. I can only pronounce myself as 'nauseatingly miserable beyond repair'" and how infuriatingly accurate he was because that's exactly how I felt—perceived myself as 'nauseatingly miserable beyond repair' caught at the crossroads without any direction.

It took us 280 journal entries—281 with this one—to get to this day. The day that will put my emotional vitality, mental stability and psychological well-being to test. To finally set the inevitable to test.

I am a broken man with a fractured heart that is 'nauseatingly miserable beyond repair' with seemingly nothing and no one to make the emptiness feel less like a vacuum filled with nothing... only void, darkness and coldness that will shatter even the strong-willed to the very core. And it was the result of one, single-handed affection...

Love!

Oxford defines it as an intense feeling of deep affection oftenly for people related to you or that you are close to. Its one powerful emotion that can either make or break you. It can make life look like a merry-go-round but can crash land you to your very own death. It's one emotion that can fill your day and life with utter and incomparable happiness but at the same time can be the root cause of your doom. It's a beautiful emotion, to feel and to receive but it's the one emotion that destroyed me.

Why, you might be asking? The answer is very simple; I wouldn't have felt the way I am feeling right now if it wasn't for that. Because if I didn't love them everything would've been simple—easy. I wouldn't have felt like the most selfish prick in the world.

My current emotions are summed up in an illuminating poem I once read and connected with to my very core. It's simple yet profound. Has a deeper meaning and very much relatable. It speaks volumes to my pain and misery, the never ending suffering that ravages me every single day of my life.

It reads;

Wounds to be kissed and scars caressed
Darkness uncovered and embraced
Insecurities revealed and accepted
Ugliness unmasked
Naked, all truth bare
In the love you seek.

After I found out about my parents' divorce, I was a wounded boy with a lot of deep-rooted scars. I just needed my 'wounds to be kissed and caressed' by the ones I held dear. To be loved and not judged and set aside. I just wanted them to embrace it all when my darkness was uncovered and set bare for all to see and not scorn upon and abandoned. I wanted everyone to accept me wholeheartedly when my insecurities were finally revealed and my ugliness unmasked. I just wanted everyone to believe me when I was naked, all truth bare, nothing to hide. I just needed acceptance and love... because when you love someone, isn't it how it's supposed to be?

I am angry. I am hurt. I am crushed.

The fight has been too long... too painful and I was too alone. Or in a way felt so alone. Empty, because the ones I loved didn't love me enough to fight for me. To believe in my innocence. I was left to fend for myself. To find my own way to survive and the few that did had their hands tied behind their backs or they would otherwise find themselves 6-feet underground.