Prisoner of Circumstance | ✔️

Journal Entry #280 - Taking A Stand

Journal Entry #280 – Taking A Stand

Dear Diary,

There was a time I believed in life.

A time I believed in hope.

In abundance; copiously.

I was an ardent believer of both, life and hope.

I believed that in life everything happened for a reason, a reason that at the time might come off nonsensical but would ultimately make sense.

I strongly believed that in this journey we call life, with all its sorrow and pain, hope was all we needed to conquer it all.

I had one mantra. One personal code I lived by. One I strongly believed in. One which gave me strength. A mantra fervently centered on the previously mentioned subjects: Life and Hope.

It stated; ‘A courageous heart will always prevail regardless of the number of hurdles life throws its way.’

The question is: Do I still believe in the said mantra? Responds: Once upon a time, yes but no longer because I don’t believe in life and hope anymore. Hope is a cruel thing to a desperate man and life the worse of the mentioned former. It (life) can make a step-child of someone. Break them until there was nothing left to break. Demoralize them until they were utterly dispirited from all will to fight.

I couldn’t deal with all that no more because I didn’t have a courageous heart anymore.

Yes, once, but all who I was is utterly crushed.

I am no more.

I was a mess. A broken mess and all believing and hoping did was deteriorating my already wounded mental stability.

I couldn’t keep living my life in denial, ignoring and clouding the truth from what it was.

I was never gonna be the same ever again.
Whatever happened, my name was forever tainted.

But still, the question was; when all this comes to an end, when push becomes shove—like it already did—what’s gonna happen of me?

Will I ever be redeemed?

Will I ever find myself again?

Will I ever find the person I was before all this?

I so desperately want to know.

When… How… What… Why…?

Why me?

Why was I the victim of someone else’s sins?

Was it my own doing?

Was there somewhere I went wrong?

But who knows; probably I did but I will never know.

I guess we will never know.

Being a victim of circumstance is horrible, I know but being a prisoner of it a pure and agonizing cruelty.

I am one.

A prisoner of circumstance.

And I don’t know how to break out of it.

How to break free.

What to do to change the status quo.

Because all that I am, who I am can’t be define by it all.

By my situation.

By my stated circumstance.

This can’t be who I am.

How I will be known.

So stating it like it is, starting right now, regardless of how excruciating it is, I will fight…

For myself… For them…

Screw life.

Screw cruelty of hope.

Screw everything.

I am taking a stand.

This is my life and I am gonna take charge of it and make something out of nothing.

Don’t they say if you’re given lemons, don’t complain, just take them and make lemonade out of it?

-Alex (Kegel)