When I Was His

73

"again I'm so sorry you walked in on that" my mom is apologising for the 5th time, she had been mortified when she had seen Richard stood by the door when she had been shouting at my uncle John.

Richard had laughed it off and accepted my explanation that my mom isn't usually so foul mouthed. He hadn't really been bothered, he had thought it was funny. After spending half an hour chatting with my family and graciously taking selfies with them Richard started making calls and arranging for an interior designer to come and help us replace the furniture. I was worried that anything we added to the house would be too different and could send ark spiralling. I read online that it's good for recovering addicts to be somewhere familiar so they feel safe and secure. My worry is that I will change the house too much and it won't feel like his home.

It was after 7pm when Richard and my family left, each of th gave me a hug and told me to call them if I needed anything. The house feels suddenly dark and empty when I'm alone, I miss everyone as soon as they leave. I don't know how ark can be in a big house like this on his own, it's very lonely. I find myself tucking into the alcohol box and pulling out a bottle of wine and take it to the kitchen. I kick off my shoes and sit on the kitchen island, I'm exhausted both mentally and physically. I don't know how I would have got through the day without all the help. Everything looks so much better but there's still so much to do. It should all be done by the time ark gets home. I send Maggie a message and ask her how ark is coping, I'm not waiting long for her reply. Maggie tells me that she knows nothing more than she did yesterday but will let me know if anything happens. I don't know what I was expecting but I was hoping to hear that ark was doing well.

I don't want to spend another day here, I'm tired but I can't wait to go to work so I can live my own life. I feel like I'm being pulled into arks world, bit by bit I'm loosing myself. I drown my sorrows in the bottle of wine, It's ironic really.

I stash the bottle in the refrigerator and drag myself to bed, I fall to sleep the moment my head hits the pillow

.........

I take the glass Kate gives me almost too quickly, she laughs as I immediately bring the glass to my lips.

"you needed that huh"

I nod "you have no idea, this week. Well this week has been something else"

"I told you go have the week off, you can't be running around sorting arks house and working a 40 hour week. Your spreading yourself too thin" I know Kate being a good friend and is trying to look out for me but I need to work. I cannot stay in arks home and worry, I have to keep busy.

"I know you did and I appreciate it but I have to stay busy, I can't just sit in that big house and let him be all I think about"

"I get that, well I'm glad you decided to come out. It will make you feel so much better" Kate puts her arm around me and squeezes me into a one armed hug.

"me too, I'm glad you kidnapped me" we both laugh. Kate had been waiting for me outside arks house when I got home from work, she had ordered me to get changed and said we were going out. I had tried to protest but she adamant that I had to get out and let off some steam. I have to admit that I am feeling better already, my life for the past few weeks has revolved around renovating arks home and preparing for his return.

My life had been like groundhog day, I wake go to work then come back to arks house. I haven't seen my friends in weeks nor my family, my mom thinks that I'm avoiding them but I really have been too busy.

"the house is finally finished so I can start to live a little"

"I hope he appreciates what you've done, I know I wouldn't have gone to all that trouble if it were me" Kate has made it clear that she thinks I shouldn't have been the one to clean up after ark. Many times she commented that he has family that should be supporting him, I know she's right but I cannot abandon him. As far as I'm aware non of his family have offered to help him.

"I just hope he will be OK, he gets out Sunday"

"has it been 30 days already" Kate looks surprised. It may have flown for her but to me it has gone slowly, it feels like I haven't seen him in months.

"yeah, I thought he may have needed longer but he wants to come home. Maggie says they've done all they can for him, he needs to be home so he can heal privately"

"I guess that makes sense, are you gonna be in the house waiting for him"

I've been thinking about that for the last 30 days but I honestly don't know the answer. I don't know if he will want me there or if he will want to be on his own. "I'm not sure, I think I should go home. I just think my being there when he gets home will just be confusing"

"confusing how"

"I don't know what we are, I don't know how be feels about me. We have never spent time together when he was sober. Maybe he just wants to be alone so he can rebuild his life" I shrug and drink the last of my cocktail.

"I don't know what to suggest but I believe that if your meant to be together it will happen"