Untitled, 2018

Chapter 73: Goodbyes Are Never Good

"Jimin... did you know? I'm really grateful that I met you."
I heard him exhale a little laugh. "So do I deserve a New Year's kiss?"
I looked at the little alarm clock next to my bed. Midnight was approaching. We were saying goodbye to 2018 together, it seemed.

"So we're not going to see each other or talk to each other again, right?" I asked.
"Don't waste your time on me, Riti, my hands are tied for now. This time of your life is crucial."
"Well you too. Don't get into this kind of trouble again. You've worked way too hard to give it up now."
"I won't. I almost can't remember why I'd done it in the first place."

Silence again.

"I'm going to forget you, okay? I'm not going to message you ever again." I said. I had to say it, don't know why. It felt like I was trying to get his approval, to be on the same plane of understanding.
"Good," he echoed. "I won't call you again either."

I thought I'd cry again, but I felt more at peace now that we both understood where we were headed. In some sense, as much as I was going to miss what a ride this year had been, I couldn't wait for what lay ahead for me. For him.

He started counting down from ten, and I realized it was 11:59 already. I joined him at 3... 2... 1... "Happy New Year!"
We both laughed over the phone and I gave a little, "mwah" to him. "There. You got your New Year's kiss... and also a present."
"A present?"
"Yup. That peace of mind about Baek Hee. You can thank me later." I chuckled.
He probably had no idea what I was actually talking about, but just laughed along.

"Actually I have a present for you too..." He kissed the phone, "Mwah."
I giggled. "That's the present?"
"No... it's something for you from when I was missing you. I guess you haven't received it yet. You'll see."
"Nah I'm good, thanks," I joked.

We both teased each other about silly things and giggled before settling down again.

I spoke: "Jiminnie... I don't want to see you again. It'll be too painful."
He joked. "If we're talking about hurt, I don't even want to hear your voice again."

"Then—this is it?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
"Well then... goodnight."
"Goodnight Riti."
"Good–Goodbye."
He took in a deep breath before responding sweetly, "Goodbye."

We both stayed on the phone longer, quietly and silently, unwilling to end the call. He finally hung up after I heard Hoseok's voice in the distance. I numbly put my phone down by my side. This was okay, this was fine. I was okay.

I finally picked up my phone again to message my friends and family a Happy New Year. One of my school friends messaged me, "Ooh! Your boyfriend's new song is amazing."
I responded, "Who?"
She messaged back: "Jimin, who else."

I was shaken for a moment, but then realized that she knew nothing about the last few months. I fondly remembered how I'd called him my "boyfriend" in my school days. After all, he was... and continues to be... one of the people most precious to me.

But wait, a new song?

I checked Twitter, and discovered that I'd missed a tweet from Jimin in the day's craziness. It was from several hours ago. "A song for me, a song for you..." A new original song?!

I played it and almost immediately gasped when I recognized the tune of his singing. It was the same one he'd hummed to me on the car ride back home from the party, something he'd come up with while basking in the moonlight and with his head resting on mine. When everything had slowed down just for us. When it was all picture perfect. When it was just our pure and innocent feelings. My first love.

Everything I'd been holding back all evening came rushing all at once, my tears overflowing, flooding me. As I listened to the song I cried my heart out. I didn't hold back since I was alone... but not quite feeling alone either. Despite the harsh words spoken today I knew there was something unspoken there about our future. Something we bit back from saying but something that didn't need to be said. A desire to meet again. Our promise.

I sit alone, slumped down
And I break myself down with these thoughts
You probably don't even know
When you started hurting me

You're hurting too 'cause you're mine
I just want to blow your mind
You're only drifting further away like this
I say that it's all fine
The truth is that's a lie

I want you to be your light, baby
You should be your light
So you won't hurt anymore, so you can smile more
I want you to be your night, baby
You could be your night
I'll be honest with you tonight

Now promise me, oh, oh
Several times a day, oh, oh
Even if you feel that you are alone, oh, oh
Don't throw yourself away, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hold on for a moment
Intertwine our pinkies
And promise me now, oh, oh, oh, oh