Untitled, 2018

Chapter 73: Goodbyes Are Never Good

Mateo was right. If I was leaving, I had to commit to it. I didn't call Jimin until much much later that night, in an attempt to control myself that failed in the end. People were out celebrating New Year's Eve, and the last few hours of 2018, but I was agonizing over a phone call to make.

"Riti!" Jimin yelled once he picked up. "What took you so long?"
I didn't say anything, I just stared at the ground.
"Hello? Riti? What's wrong? I can hear you breathing from this end."
"I hate you." I said, trying to control the emotion rising in my chest.
He paused for a moment before responding. "Why?"
I shrugged. "I just hate you, that's all."
"Are you mad about the Baek Hee situation?"
I shook my head silently, trying to hold back my tears. It's a good thing he couldn't see me right now as I was trying my hardest not to let my voice betray how upset I was. How embarrassing.

"Listen, I don't know what happened. I didn't talk to her about it. They just didn't follow through on their threat I guess... so I'm safe for now."
"Oh really? So your company is fine with you dating now?"
"Well no, of course not anytime soon."
"I really do hate you."
"I–I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry."
"I don't want to hear you say sorry."
I heard him sigh from the other side of the phone.

"I want to see you." I mumbled.
Jimin whined, "I do too. It's just that... the company is keeping an eye on what I do and where I go, at least for the time being."
"That's good." The farther we stay away the easier it's going to be to get over him.
"I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with you." He said.
I turned over in bed, almost imagining what it'd be like if he was here with me. "I wish you were here."

"I want to see you, I want to touch you." He whispered.
I half-gasped but just buried my tomato-red face into the pillow.
For a few moments I just stayed there silently, my imagination running wild, but Jimin broke the silence. "Why are we in different parts of Seoul?"
I let out a laugh. "Why are we in different parts of the world?"
He fell silent.
I continued, "I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, you know."
"I... I want to come visit, but we'll be touring and producing music till May."
"Good." I said stubbornly.
"Why is that good?"
"Because I hate you. And I don't think a long-distance thing could ever work out."
"But," he started protesting, but paused. We both stayed that way for a bit. "No, you're right. It wouldn't work out."

My breathing hitched and I groaned into the pillow.
"Riti, you don't know what you do to me every time I'm around you... I feel like I've become childish these days, become immature. It's a great feeling... But this last week really made me think."

I think I knew where he was headed with this, and it stung to wait around and hear him say it.
"You're still establishing yourself. You have so many goals you need to accomplish. You're capable of so much."
I teared up. Now he was talking like my frickin' mom. And the worst part was that I could hear him choking up too.

"You need to focus on yourself. Don't be distracted by me. I don't want to be the person standing between you and your dreams."
I almost laughed at the irony of it all. He was saying everything I'd been rehearsing to tell him during the day. "I really do hate you," I said with a half-hearted laugh. I could almost see Jimin smiling on the other end.

"Delete my number." I told him firmly after holding back my sobs with a deep breath.
"I will. You delete mine, then, too." He muttered quietly.
"I will."

Time stood still for a bit, and we just listened to each other breathe.

"I can't wait to see where you'll go. You have it in you." He said finally.
I want to catch up. I want to stand by your side again, but as an equal. I want to start over and meet you and love you and be accepted by everyone around us. I want it to actually work out, not just be a fluke and accidental meetings. If only I'd gotten a few brand deals, been a little older, pursued what I'd wanted to do and been good at it... before meeting you.
Sometimes in life, timing is everything.