Expectations

Chapter 33

"How are you feeling?" he asks, leaning closer to me in his chair and slinging his arm over the back of my chair. His concerned eyes give me a quick once over, only making me self-conscious.

"Um, a little bit better," I lie, hugging my arms around myself as if it will protect me from the feelings I have for him.

"Thanks for inviting us, Bob," Chris smiles as he and Milo take a seat across from me and Alex.

"No problem. I didn't even think you guys would show up." Bob laughs, being brutally honest.

"Wouldn't miss it," Chris grins, stare fixing on me for a second before wishing Bob a happy birthday.

It isn't long before a waitress comes to take our orders and we get our food. The whole time I keep my head turned, pretending to be engrossed in the conversation at the other end of the table to avoid Alex.

"Hey," Alex grazes his thumb on the bare skin of my shoulder through the small cutout in my shirt sleeve to get my attention. "You doing ok? You've hardly touched your food."

I realize I've only picked at my pancakes the entire time while everyone else is almost done with their meals. "Yeah. All good." I give him a tight lipped smile, forcing myself to take a couple of bites, though I have no appetite.

"You sure? We can get that wrapped up and I can take you back to the bus if you're not feeling well."

"Nope. I'm fine," I say through slightly gritted teeth, becoming annoyed. He still has his arm draped over the back of my chair, thumb rubbing circles on my shoulder.

It feels like he's burning a hole right through my skin and I feel like I'm suffocating. Suffocating from him, his touch, my own stupidity and feelings, and Chris sitting right across from me. All constant reminders of what I want but can't have.

It finally all becomes too much and I break. Abruptly getting up from my chair, everyone looks at me and I excuse myself, turning on my heel to head for the bathroom.

Once inside the small bathroom, I walk up to the sink and brace myself, taking in some deep, calming breaths. I need a moment to myself to get my emotions in check. Never in a million years did I think I, Joslyn Trett, would be so wrecked over a guy.

Looking up, I see my disheveled reflection in the mirror. The harsh florescent lights above do nothing to help my appearance, and I can't help but nitpick all my flaws. My eyes are too big for my small head, my nose is still a little crooked from the time Joe accidentally broke it by elbowing me in the face, my hair is frizzy, and the list goes on and on.

A small knock on the door rattles me from my thoughts. "Joslyn," Alex's worried voice calls from the other side of the door. "Are you alright?"

My grip on the sink tightens and it takes everything inside me not to scream.

Five minutes.

All I want is five minutes to myself without being smothered by him. Everything is still so fresh, and I just need a minute to clear my head and set my feelings aside.

"Yeah," I call out and my voice falters.

Damn it.

I rarely cry, but when I do it's mostly out of anger or frustration, which is the cause of my threatening tears right now. I'm mad at him. I'm mad at him for acting like he has feeling for me only to end up kissing another girl he just met. I'm mad at him for not choosing me. But, most of all, I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at myself for actually believing he'd want to be with a girl like me when he can have any girl he wants. I'm mad at myself for getting too attached and invested in him even though I knew better. Of course he'd pick a supermodel over me. I recall him reportedly dating other models in the past so why would he change his preference for some average girl like me?

The bathroom door slowly creaks open and Alex peeks his head in. "Hey," he says softly, immediately stepping inside once he takes in my appearance. In two quick strides he's next to me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lie, ducking my head so he can't see my face. "I just don't feel good."

He pulls me in for a hug, one I don't want but reluctantly fall into, and I hate how good it feels. He so warm, soft, secure, and damn does he smell good. We stay like this for a moment, him still soothingly rubbing my back, before he mumbles into my hair, "Let's go back to the bus."

He grabs my hand and leads me out of the bathroom. I don't fight him on it because I know it will lead to more questions and me breaking in front of him, and I can't have that.

The short walk back to the bus is quiet, him still holding my hand and humming a soft tune. When we get on the bus I don't fail to meet Shays questioning eyes. I just subtly shake my head, reminding myself to fill her in later.

After spending an hour in my bunk, I drag myself out, ready to do my job. I go through the routine of getting Alex to the meet and greet, interviews, and sound check, trying my best to act habitual.

Sitting in the dressing room with Alex and Shay before the show, a small rap on the doorframe catches our attention, Derek hesitantly walking in. "Hey," he smiles wide making eye contact with mostly me.

"Hey," I greet him back with a meek smile.

"I have a question for you," he says, standing in front of me and shoving his hands in his pockets. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Um, working," I say obviously, knowing it's a show day.

"Yeah, but I mean tomorrow night, after the show starts."

"Nothing, I guess," I say hesitantly.

"Well, tomorrow night one of my best friends is opening up a restaurant and invited me to come since I'll be in town. He said I'm allowed to bring a plus one and I was wondering if you'd come with me?" He smiles big, full of hope.

"I-I don't know," I say, unsure.

I can feel Shay and Alex's eyes on me. Alex's more intense.

"Oh come on, it'll be fun! We can get free food and drinks." Derek goes on and on trying to persuade me to go with him, not taking no for an answer.

As much as I don't want to go, it might be good for me to get out and not have to stare at Alex for a whole night, to try to get him off my mind. I know it's pathetic, but I'm willing to go out with Derek to try to forget about Alex. Maybe he can help me get over my stupid little crush. Plus, the last time I went out with Derek for coffee he wasn't so bad. I actually enjoyed his company.

"Fine," I say a bit more harshly than I intend to, cutting Derek off from his persistent rambling. "I'll go."

Derek's eyes widen at my outburst, but then glimmer with joy. I know he's got me right where he wants me, but I could care less right now.

"Perfect." Derek smiles. "You won't regret it."

I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me, but I catch Alex's seemingly harsh stare on Derek, eyes narrowed and jaw clinched.

"Yeah... I'll see you tomorrow," I confirm as Derek walks out the door, huge smile still on his face.