My Life

Aaah

The one night I need a good night sleep and the gods are on my side because I woke up and did not feel like a piece of shit

Which is good because ITS OPENING NIGHT FOR HELLO, DOLLY!!!!

I know most of what I have been saying these past couple entries have been consisting of Hello, Dolly! Hello, Dolly! And Hello, Dolly!

And occasionally depressed shit but like

*claps multiple times to emphasize*

OPENING NIGHT YALL

THEN IM PSM WHICH IS KINDA SCARY BUT ILL DEAL WITH IT

AAAAH

OPENING NIGHT

IM NOT GOING HOME UNTIL ITS OVER BUT ITS FINE

ALSO THE DANCE INSTRUCTOR(whos name is also grace haha) GAVE ME THIS AWESOME THING

It's a notebook and yes please

I didn't expect anything and she got this for me because I worked with her for the play

:D :D :D

Like my gosh yay

Also I didn't take line notes yesterday which made me sad but it helped me realize how well I know the play because the whole time I was pacing back and forth and reciting the lines that the actors were saying

Not just Dolly's, all of them

I occasionally fucked up but so did the actors and I didn't get to notate Vandegelder about the same line he fucks up

But Cornelius fixes his lines a bit and that make me happy

Especially the 'No Mr. Vandegelder' line in act two scene three

You can tell I'm just going insane and so if any of you hear me muttering their lines y'all know I'm going mental

Also the guy who played Barnaby called me and I was confused until he said his sister didn't have her phone

At first I was still confused as I was like
'Wtf I don't know where it'd be'

But then I remembered he never saw me leave so he thought I might be at the school

They found her phone so yay

Ok so that was this morning when I wasn't a pissed off son of a bitch

Now, after opening night has ended I'm livid with rage

The show went awesome don't get me wrong, but you see, I didn't do anything

I stood in the booth in the back and watched the PSM cue lights and running crew

All two hours and fifteen minutes

Then I went out to the lobby where none of my family was waiting to greet me

And where nobody said hi to me

Or told me I did a good job

But I stood and watched as the cast, all the actors, were congratulated on a great show, them being hugged by their family and other cast members

But the crew was nowhere to be found.

They were all backstage, preparing the show for tomorrow

But I painfully watched as the entire cast got  credit for something they couldn't do without the crew

And I watched cast have their bundle of flowers, while I had none and just a bag of candy from my friend, and my mom who said the only reason she went was to see me on stage.

Sorry to disappoint once more, but I had told you several times, I'm not running crew, I'm booth crew

But the thing that pissed me off more than everything combined:

My sister was using her phone during the performance

The fucking performance was going on and she used the 'I was looking up the song' excuse

Well hear this sis'

I don't have time for your fucking excuses because you were told, NO PHONES

AND WHY?

BECAUSE IT FUCKING INTERFERES WITH THE FUCKING SOUND SYSTEM

WHICH MEANS THE MICS CANT GET THROUGH TO THE SYSTEM

WHICH MEANS ACTORS WONT BE HEARD

WHICH MEANS THE AUDIENCE IS LEFT CONFUSED

SO I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOUR EXCUSE BECAUSE THERE IS NONE

BECAUSE THERES NO RECORDING

NO PHOTOS

NO NOTHING

I've tried to remain calm, to make it seem like I'm put together, that I'm fine

But I'm not anymore

It's a combination of depressed lonely teenager and a furious person who will not hesitate to snap at people

Because I'm not taking your shit anymore

I've stood aside long enough

But I'm taking my stand because I need to for myself

Sure nobody comes to the show to support me that often, and sure I feel pretty damn useless when I'm just sitting there the entire show

.. I don't know anymore

This world is sick and nobody really knows how bad it is until you've hit rock bottom

I don't know where rock bottom is, but I know I'm getting pretty damn close.

And I don't think people realize how lucky they are until someone who is as broken as me, shows their true darkness

And I know I'm going to be a fucking mess Sunday compared to today, and I'm not ready for that three year mark

So if you see me on Sunday which I doubt, Yea it's not going to be pretty