My Life

Life

2/1/18

Valentine's Day is coming up for those who have it!
What am I going to be doing?

" I'll be in my room, making no noise, pretending I don't exist"

Sentence to live by when wishing to be left alone.

But it doesn't usually happen.
As I'm told by my brother:
" With a family of seven it's hard to get alone time!"

Well guess what the fuck you were just doing the past four hours? Sitting downstairs in our basement playing on the PS4 with you friends.

Hell I can't even invite half my friends over seeing as they're allergic to cats. Sometimes I just want, and need, to be left alone to my thoughts to think, and to let my anger out. I let my anger out in different ways. Sometimes I throw things, sometimes I hit things, usually my head, or I just go to a secluded spot and just get very frustrated.
But requesting that I be left alone usually leads to people socializing with me.

I think sometimes socializing with people is disgusting, especially when you don't particularly like them. But if I like them I'm fine.

So update on confusion eta of life: I think I'm almost.. not confused to say. I'm referring myself as Ace in my mind, and several of my daydreams and some of my stories I add myself as a character in. All I did was cut two letters off my name but it make me happy, plus I already hear 'Ace' and know people are calling me so it's progress.

And to be honest if I ever think about the future, the more than three years future, I don't really see a girl/woman. I see more of a guy with longer hair, like hockey hair to say. But then I look in a mirror and all reality reoccurs and I get focused.

I get really distracted a lot, so most times I don't start my homework until like two hours after I get home from school, because I have cats, and laundry sometimes, then my brother gets home, and other chores, and cats, and thoughts and I get so distracted.

But the funny thing is, if I procrastinate past 8:30 ish, I'm more focused, then ever before. Which is why I usually am found on my phone at night, because I'm mentally ready to sleep, but not really tired yet so I waste it writing or playing games or listening to music until I get tired enough to sleep. And earl on in the day I'm really tired, then I'll have an energy spike around lunch time, then school ends and I don't focus as I loose energy to do anything.

It's weird.

But then again that's a definition of me.

But I'm going to this Girl Scout event tomorrow and I really don't want to because;

1. It takes away my weekend time
2. I'm not interested in girls scouts anymore honestly
3. I never said I wanted to yet I'm going because my parents said so
4. I don't want my Gold Award even if it gets me a better chance to get into a better collage

Honestly I've been in Girl Scouts since first grade and sure it was fun for a while, but we hardly do anything and I'm rarely notified when we are. I was told two days ago about the event and I was making plans to do stuff for me alone. Guess it'll have to wait.

And things are only getting more pressured and I'm getting behind in classes a bit as I'm just confused and like practically dead on the inside, and then you know the unexpected unplanned hold in place at school didn't help.

Apparently my friend told me and my friends(shocking I know) that he saw six or so security guards and a police officer running in the same direction, no sooner did a hold in place happen. ANXIETY SUCKS IN THIS SITUATION

And like I didn't have anything to cope with it as my phone was at 4% or so because I had been doing a stuff earlier that wasted my battery. I didn't have anything and I just like shut down for a bit then like cane back alive. Not really an attack on myself but just like a mental shut down where I couldn't think as all these situations started in my mind all involving a dangerous weapon, and some involving me and other people but it's complicated my mind is weird.

Do you ever have that moment where when you blink, it hurts because you've been looking at something too long? It's happening to me right now and I'm about to go to sleep cause it's getting a bit late.. so..
GOOD NIGHT FROM THE USA!!!

THANKS FOR LISTENING TO ME RANT BOUT MY PROBLEMS
YOU CAN TALK TO ME BOUT YOURS IF U WANT