"Kathe, I love you."
"I love you too," I mindlessly responded as I read the newspaper that was on the table. This was routine. I had been married to Colby for long enough, even though three years wasn't that long and we were still in our honeymoon phase, that when he said 'I love you', it was an automatic response. I didn't have to ask myself 'Do I really love him?' because I was sure. I had never been more sure of anyone in my life.
"I'm serious Kathe. I love you. More than anything in the world."
The chair creaked as I turned toward Colby. His tone sounded off. But what really got to me was the look in his eyes. I couldn't tell what the look was.
"I know Colbs. And I love you more than anything else in the world." What was that look in his eyes? Sure there was sadness but that wasn't what I was looking for. I sorted through words as I bit my lip. Depression, regret, guilt, shame, frustration, fear, anger. But none of it seemed to fit.
He suddenly smiled at me and I smiled back. But that smile never met his eyes. Certain that it was some sort of YouTube related thing he was going through, I turned back to my newspaper.
I had already read the article. A little girl's broken body had been found in a river a few days ago. So far no one had claimed her body. It broke my heart. I couldn't imagine a person not claiming their baby. As I was rereading the article, I thought of what would've been mine and Colby's little girl. Morgan Abigail had lived for 3 hours, 14 minutes, and 26 seconds. She had been born with Phenylketonuria, which was a birth defect that caused seizures, heart problems, and other various physical and mental deficits. But while she had been alive, she was so beautiful. She had Colby's beautiful eyes and tiny tufts of my brownish-blonde hair. If she had lived she would've broken a lot of boys hearts. If she had lived she would've-
No. I had to stop thinking about this. This only sent me spiraling when I went down that road. And the therapist that Colby and I saw every week said that the "what ifs" never helped anyone. But I couldn't help but think. What if she had lived? What sports would she play? What instruments would she learn? Would she be a nerd with cute little glasses or shy or bubbly and energetic or an artist or none of those at all? What if she was just her? I could already tell that she would've been heartbreakingly beautiful, almost to an unbearable level. But the the therapist was right. Thinking about this wouldn't help anything.
***
That night over dinner, the look in his eyes was back. I still couldn't place the look. It made me mad. Suddenly, I wanted to pick a fight. But I just stayed quiet, as I always did. We never talked about anything anymore. Not since our baby...
"Hey babe, can I tell you something?" Colby asked from across the table. The distance between us felt uncrossable. There was always space between us now. Before, there had always been little touches, brushing of hands, tousling hair, kisses, hugs, warmth. But now everything was cold. Detached. Almost like he wasn't really there anymore.
-Colby's POV-
She was a ghost. I had never seen the life so thoroughly sucked out of someone. She was always absent-minded. There were times where I had thought we were having a conversation and it had turned out that she hadn't even been aware that I was talking to her. I knew how hard it was for her. Your baby dying isn't something you just get over. She was grieving. But it seemed like she had forgotten about everything else. She hadn't gone back to work. She stopped playing softball, which she loved so much she never missed a game while she was pregnant and couldn't play. She had stopped listening to music, stopped watching TV, stopped doing her half of the chores that we had agreed on when we had moved in together. But that seems like forever ago. She had forgotten who she was, she had forgotten me. We never talked, we never exchanged little touches like we used to. The therapist had said that she needed room. So I did. But she never reached out. She was here physically, but mentally she had been gone for a long time. And she had forgotten me.
-Kathe's POV-
"Babe...?"
I looked up at Colby. He was frowning at me.
"What?"
"Did you hear what I asked you?"
Had he asked me something? I couldn't remember. So I shook my head.
"Well..." he started. I just sat there and waited for him to finish his question.
"Actually, nevermind. It's not important."
God I hated it when he did that.
"Why do you always do that? Why do you always decide that suddenly I'm not smart enough, not competent enough, or simply not deserving enough to answer your questions?" My blood was boiling and I was seeing red. But it was better than than the cold, the dark, the numbness. So I just kept yelling. I didn't even know what I was yelling about. I wasn't even paying attention until Colby yelled, "You left me! I was hurting too! My little girl died and you just curled into a ball and couldn't be bothered to see how I was doing!"
I looked at him in shock. I saw his face soften and his eyes start to well up
"You forgot me. You left me behind. I know it was hard on you but we're married. It's not just you," he said softly.
And for the first time in months, I thought about how he had been feeling. And then I broke down crying. I didn't even realize that he was hurting too. I tried to choke the words out but I wasn't even sure if he could tell what I had said. He just came around the table and took my face in his hands. I couldn't look at him but I heard him say that he was sorry for snapping at me and that he will try to do better, but that I needed to try.
"Are you willing to try?" he asked.
I nodded and looked at him through my tears. And I could finally place the look. It was longing. He had missed me like I had missed him. I just put my head on his shoulder. And we stayed that way for a long while. I would get better. For him I would do anything.
