Chasing Smoke

Chapter 21: All Over Again

D A R I U S

Yesterday was like a truth day. I was going to keep everything inside me. But, I couldn't bear another thought of Jenna not knowing me at all. At last she knew the story of how we met and we parted.

She was crying when she told me she was an inpatient in McLean Hospital for 2 years. 

Do you know what McLean is? It's a mental and psychiatric hospital. A modern and nice description of asylum. 

I was in shocked when she told me that. I got a picture that she has some serious mental health problem when her Dad told me to pick her up at Dr. Bill in Mass General. But, I never knew it was so serious that she was admitted to McLean. All this time I thought she left me cruelly. She was in trouble and I was a bad boyfriend for giving up on her.

I never met Jason back in college. But I knew she had a twin brother in Harvard Business School too. Why I was so stupid? Why it never occurred to me to contact her brother? Why I gave up so easily? I wish I could knock some sense to my 18 years old self.

I was cuddling her when she's crying herself until she fell asleep. I can tell she was relieved that she finally able to say that she was an ex mental hospital patients. Judging by her voice when she told me, it was a disgrace for her. And maybe for her family too.

I was thinking about staying over. I just want to hold her all night long to replace all days I've missed for 10 years. But I decided to go home with Mom. I have to sort my relationship with Emma before I step further with Jenna. They don't deserve to be two-timed by me.

My parents never like Emma though. Because she is wild and inappropriate, Mom's word not mine. She's a doctor, they give her that appreciation and respect, but it stops there. Mom's always hostile toward her. And Dad never bothers to speak to her when she came to our home or office. The only one that welcomes her is Alex. But, that's because Alex is Alex. He loves hot wild girl.

I see a resemblance of Jenna my girlfriend in Emma. Maybe that was the reason I was drawn to Emma at first place. Their brown hair, blue eyes, and bold personality. But, Jenna is cute and beautiful while Emma is sexy and beautiful.

Emma is actually a nice person. Yes, I have to admit sometimes she's kind of bitch and needy. But she's very great with her patient. She's a good doctor and a fun girlfriend. She's the one that isable to make me give up my playboy lifestyle. I was so sure that she's the one. I love her with all of my heart. 3 years of our relationship proves how good we are to each other.

Then I saw Jenna. For the first time in 10 years.

I was taking Mom to hospital. I was bored waiting for her so I took a walk to a small garden near patient wing. Then I saw her. Sitting alone. She seems sad and empty. I swear to God, the moment I saw her I was gonna run and hug her. But, my hatred got the best in me.

I sat on her right side. But she stood up as soon I sat down. I grabbed her hand, but she pulled back, rejecting me. I felt really offended. Why did she leave me and hate me that much? So, I became an asshole and mocked her. Only then I realized when I met her again at lunch in the country club that she doesn't have any memory about me at all.

What I had with Jenna was real, same as what I have with Emma. She helps me a lot. She's my first real girlfriend after Jenna vanished. I was so self-destructive when Jenna gone. I partied a lot. I hooked up a lot not bother to know the name of the girl. Bottles of whiskey and tequila were my friend. I really thank my frat brothers for kept me in track with my academic.

And now here I am having lunch with my girlfriend, Emma Woods. She looks pretty in her beige smoking dress which I found ridiculous for her wearing that short dress in Boston December weather. But still, she is pretty and sexy. I think I can't resist doing her later.

She keeps talking about something. I haven't been paying attention. My mind wanders to college time with Jenna and yesterday unofficial date with her.

"Darius. Did you hear me?" Emma's voice startled me.

"Yeah sure." Lie. You just lied Darius. Then she continues to talking.

It's easy to lie to Emma because most of the times she's the center of our relationship. But with Jenna, I don't have an audacity to lying. Jenna sees me through and full. I don't have a heart to lie to her.

I'm thinking of million scenarios on how to end my relationship with Emma. And every one of them ends in disaster. The only winning in this break-up is how I can live my life freely with Jenna. Because if I have to choose one of them, I'll choose Jenna all over again.

"So, what do you think?" Emma's voice disperse all of my thoughts.

"Yeah sure." I really have no idea what she's talking about.

"Really, babe? I can come? Ohhh thank you so much." She kisses my cheek. "You never brought me to your family Winter Ball. Thank you, thank you, thank youuuuu. I'll dress-"

I don't hear the rest of the sentence. Oh Lord, what have I done?