Chasing Smoke

Chapter 20: Jenna My Girlfriend

"Why would I leave you?" His eyes full of pain when I asked why we broke up.

"I ask the same question for 10 years." He pulls his arm and leans on the wall.

"How did I leave? Did we fight or had an argument or anything?" He was quiet for a long time.

"Your ex. Your prick ex showed up." I feel tense over all of my body. "We just got back from dinner. I was walking you to your dorm when your prick ex showed up. He said he needed to talk to you. Something about forgiveness, redemption, all of that shit." Darius' become emotional.

"Then?"

"Then you went with him. I told you, no, I begged you to not go with him. You were such a sweetheart with a nice heart. You said he deserved a chance to talk to you because water already under the bridge. You said you were happy with me so I don't have anything to worry. But, I didn't trust him. Can I smoke in here?"

"Yeah, sure." He walks to the windows and opens them. Darius is not an active smoker. I notice that whenever life seems too heavy for him, he smokes.

"I didn't trust him. But, you insisted that it was okay that I left you alone with that prick. We were fighting you know. You said I was too overprotective and my jealousy didn't make sense."

Darius deeply inhales through his cigarette and let the smoke blow from his mouth. It's kind of hot though. With a cigarette in his hand, an image of him as a bad boy run in my head.

"Then what happened?" I ask. I have to get away any nasty dirty idea about him.

"Then I was tired of fighting with you. And I left you with him. Jenna my girlfriend was totally a different person from Jenna my fiancée. You're still a sweetheart. But, you were stubborn, self-centered, and kind of bitch you know."

"Yeah. You just describe me as me in high school."

Darius smiles to me. "But, despite of your annoying traits, you too have many great qualities. You're honest, brave, cheerful. You completely understood me and very supportive. The most thing I love about you is how you have a biggest heart." Darius inhales his cigarette again but more lightly this time. "And of course I love how great you were in bed." Darius laughs as smoke blows from his mouth.

"So, we did it?" I feel a warm rush in my cheeks.

Darius nods and smiles. I can see he's having a nostalgia, a dirty nostalgia in his head. "Yep, almost every day I think, beside your period. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other."

"Then it means you are my first." I extend my right hand to him.

"I know." He smiles then reaches my hand. "Did it ever occur to you why you always giving me your right hand?"

"Because I'm right-handed?"

Darius shakes his head. "Because one time, you said to me that you're always gonna be on my left side. That way you don't give me any chance to leave you." I raise my eyebrow. "You were cheesy back then." He laughs. "You may not remember and I don't know why you don't. But, those memories are somewhere inside your brain and it affects you whether you notice it or not."

His cigarette reaches its end of life. Darius throws it outside the window. "You just littered my garden." He smiles. "You said I left you. But, from your story it sounds like you left me."

"I left you with that prick to sort everything. I went back to the frat house and slept in there. I was so pissed I turned off my phone. I wanted you to felt guilty. I was an ass I know."

"And then?"

"Then I woke up in the morning. No voicemail or text from you. So, I went to class and done all the campus stuffs. I became worried though. I tried to call you all day, but it went straight to voicemail. After all my activities finished I went to your dorm to pick you up for dinner. But, Talia, her room next to you, said that you haven't back to your room since she saw you left with me.

I went again the next day and the day after that. I came to your dorm every day for a month. No one knew where you were. Your stuffs still in your room. You just vanished. Just gone without a trace. After a month I gave up.

Two years later I heard from my frat brother that you're back at Harvard. But, I didn't care. I saw you once in Central Square Station. I was on my way to meet some friends. You were sitting alone. Our eyes met, but you pretended not to recognize me. I just thought that you got back together with that prick and left me for good. And that was fine by me."

Darius takes out another cigarette and lit it.

"I also heard that you shut everyone out. You were no more the queen of party. Everyone who knew you before you vanished said you became cold and distance. And whenever your friends talked to you, you would avoid any physical contact.

But, at that point I didn't care anymore. You just left me and gone for 2 years. You didn't even bother to called me, texted me, or searched me. All I knew was that our relationship has ended."

"I wasn't pretending not to recognize you. I didn't recognize you."

"Yeah, I just found that out when we met again for the first time in hospital." He blows up the smoke. Damn, sexy. "I was young and emotional and clueless you know. And I was hurting because you just left when I was madly in love with you."

"Darius." I call him. Tears roll in my face.

"Jenna. Why are you crying?" Darius throws his cigarette out.

"I didn't leave you. I had to." Darius hugs me. "I- I- I was in McLean for 2 years."