Chasing Smoke

Chapter 4: I Know Better

I open my eyes and everything is white. I hear something dripping and something beeping and I feel an ache in my left wrist. 

By hearing the dripping voice and a weight in my wrist and the funny hygienic smell, I know where I am. It's not the first time I woke up like this. And as soon as I gain my clear sight I see a very familiar face.

"Are you okay?" Anna caresses my left cheek.

"I'm fine. Why are you here? Where's Jason?"

"Jason is taking Sarah home. He promised he'll be back."

"He better be." I stare at the ceiling. What a shitty day.

"What happened to you? Your father worried about you."

"And yet he doesn't even make an effort to be here and send you." I feel like to explode. I want to scream. I want to punch the wall so hard that it'll make my hands bleed.

Anna smiles. "Do you take your medicine this morning? I already called Dr. Bill. He said you can visit him tomorrow. You haven't checked up in 2 months."

"No, I forgot. The pills are at home. I forgot to bring them." I try to sit up but apparently still too weak. "I don't want to see Dr. Bill. I'm fine. I've been fine. Seriously Anna, I'm fine." I take Anna's hand to assure her that I'm fine.

"Say you are fine one more time and I'll believe you," Anna lets out a heavy sigh. "I'll let Jason talks to you about Dr. Bill."

Anna is my step-mom. Not typical Cinderella's step-mom. She's nice and really warm. I can't compare her with Mom because they have a different personality. Anna is more like my friend than my parent. She never claims herself as our mother, because she knows well that we still have our Mom and we still love her despite her disappearance.

The first thing that I noticed about her was her red hair. Her pretty and shiny red hair.

She had this big smile when she introduced her properly for the first time at the family dinner. I knew Dad was dating someone, but I never knew who it was until she came into our home. 

Jason already knew though. It didn't take an Einstein to know that Jason already met her several times. I was bitter at first. Either because I was a bitch, or I was still under heavy medication that made me so honest I had no filter.

I didn't remember exactly when they got married, but it wasn't long after I got released from the place. I helped my father tying up his tie and made sure his second wedding suit perfectly fit him. If I try hard enough, maybe I'll remember what we were talking before he went to the end of the aisle.

"What are you thinking?"

I open my eyes and see Anna peeling an orange.

"Nothing." She nods her head and back concentrating on peeling the orange. "Anna," I call her, "do you think people deserve a second chance?"

"Of course. Why?"

"No reason. Just want to know."

The door is suddenly opened. Loud noises come from the other side of the door. If it's not a VIP room, the nurse will kick those idiot brothers of mine.

"Heeeyyyy, you're awakeeeee." Jeremy smiles form ear to ear.

I roll my eyes at him. Jeremy chuckles and sits at the edge of the bed. He massages my left foot.

"Where's your twin?"

Jeremy laughs, "hitting the nurse outside."

"Of course he is. Leave it to the Greatest Jackson to hit the nurse first before check on her sister."

"Your sarcasm is back. You must have felt much better. Gosh, I forgot when the last time we hanging out at the hospital like this." I kick him slowly. "Kidding, I'm kiddinggggg. By the way, Dad's outside. Do you want me to get him?"

"Do I have to?"

"You have to talk to him at some point, don't you?"

"Since when you become smart?"

"I'm always smart," he shrugs while smirking.

"Go get him."

As soon as Anna and Jeremy out of my room, I stare at the white ceiling above me. It's a habit I pick up from my childhood. Staring at the ceiling always calms me. I close my eyes and I feel big warm hand brushing my hair. Dad loves do that to me. Maybe because I'm his only daughter.

"It'd be much better if you were here with me when I woke up instead of Anna."

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I way too harsh to you." I don't know what to say to him so I keep my mouth shut. I just want to savor this father-daughter moment. "I honestly don't think it'll give you much pressure and stress. I thought you already got better."

I open my eyes. "I am, better."

"That's great." He hugs me and still brushing my hair. "So, I want you to listen to me carefully. Tomorrow, Saturday 1 pm. Lunch with the Smiths. I want you to meet them. Get to know the son I chose for you."

Is he for real???

"But, Dad-" I really don't know what's on his mind. Is he really telling me this in my condition like this?

"Jenna. Remember. I know better."

I was going to open my mouth when his phone is buzzing. Dad moves his hand from my head and picks up his phone. Then he excuses himself and leaves me alone in this cold room. I know family and business are practically the same thing. But, am I really that worth less than his business that he can't wait to pick up his phone until he finishes his conversation with me? Or it's all I'll get from now on? A one side conversation?

I get up from my bed and pull out the IV needle that attached to my vein. A few bloods dripped from my wrist because I pull it too hard. I close the bathroom door behind me and look at myself through bathroom mirror. I see crazy unloved woman staring back at me. A worthless piece of crap.

'You're worthless,' she whispers.

'You're unlovable,' she says in a normal voice.

'You're worthless,' she laughs this time. Getting louder.

I feel the air is suffocating me. I stare back at the crazy lady in front of me. She laughs and keeps telling me that I'm worthless and no one will ever love me.

She is getting louder and louder and it's deafening. I punch the mirror multiple times until it breaks into pieces. My fist is definitely bleeding. I look at my fist and the tears start rolling from my eyes.

Of course no one will ever love me because I'm weak. I finally give in and that will always be the truth. No one will ever love me because I'm weak and I'm only a burden for people around me.

"Jenna." I turn around to see Jason in the door frame. His eyes was fixed to the broken mirror but then moves fast to my bleeding hand. His face remains calm, expressionless, but there is a glimpse of horror in his eyes when he sees my hand.

"No one will ever love me." I whisper at him.

Jason steps inside and pulls me in to his embrace immediately. I cry and sob like a child. He tightens his hug and strokes my back to ease the pain I feel right now.

"I love you, Jenna. We all love you. Don't you forget that. We love you. Don't you forget that," he says those sentences repeatedly like a mantra.

A mantra that always calm me.