Jae Ham
A little while later, Sage leads an excited Cody and shivering Gem and Bianca toward the blanket, where my grandparents and nine friends have formed a circle around a fairly big bonfire. Everyone is sitting on wooden log benches.
The sky is a clear blue, the ocean is sparkling, and the air is cold, all the more reason to eat hot food.
"How was the water, guys?" I ask, watching them approach.
"Awesome!" Cody answers jubilantly. "When can we eat?"
I check the coals. "Give me about twenty minutes." To Sage, I ask, "Are you getting hungry, too?"
"A little," she confesses. As if on cue, her stomach growls, and she crosses her arms over it.
"Good, because I'm starved." I begin to rummage through the cooler. "We've got steaks, hotdogs, and cheeseburgers."
Hair blowing softly in the wind, Sage self-consciously tucks her green shirt into her khaki shorts.
"Can I help with anything?" she inquires, watching me grill the meat.
"Would you mind putting the tablecloth on the table? It's in one of my bags. The gray one."
"Sure." My feet take me to the back of the van, the trunk ajar, and I locate Jae's backpack, zip it open, then reach inside for the large cloth, clipping it between my arm and armpit.
When I return to where Jae is quietly grilling the meat, he pauses from his work to flip open the cooler and pull out some cans of sodas.
I stare at the contents of the cooler, my mouth agape. "There's enough food for half a dozen families here," I comment, gazing up at him, a smile on my lips.
"Yeah, well, with my friends and family, my motto has always been Bring Too Much Rather Than Not Enough, since I never know exactly what they'll eat."
Still smiling, I unfold the tablecloth, splaying it over the spot where the bonfire used to be.
Everyone starts to attack the food with gusto, and for a moment, I silently sweep my eyes around me: The happy faces, the cheerful laughter, the mouthwatering meals, and the feel of the cold wind on my bare legs are enough to calm the nerves I've been trying to quell since I learned we would be coming to a beach.
All of a sudden, I feel a warm hand lay on my arm. I crane my neck to look at Jae, concern evident in his eyes. "Are you okay?"
No. I will never be okay. But maybe just for tonight, I can pretend I am. "Yes," I say, summoning a smile to seem more convincing. "Sometimes I just like to take the time to appreciate what's in front of me. People take the most simple things for granted, you know. The more special it is, the more they believe it will never change. That it will always be there, no matter what."
Jae nods his head, also drinking in the scene before him. For a few minutes, everyone remains quiet as they eat. After Jae swallows his last bite of steak, he gulps down some water, puts the cup down, and shifts in his seat on the blanket to toss me a glance.
He searches for a safe topic. I can feel his eyes on mine, and after a short beat, my gaze meets his. "You said you were from Beijing?"
"Born and raised. I lived in the same house until I went to high school." I hug my bare knees, relishing the normalcy of this day. Being with good people, celebrating with good food, a scenic view, and simply talking to a friend I feel like I can trust. It's been so long since I've felt like an ordinary girl.
"Were you close with your parents?" He catches my expression and quickly adds, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"No, it's fine." I smooth my yellow bangs off my forehead, letting them fall over my eyebrows again. "My relationship with them was great. We always ate meals together, laughed at each other's jokes no matter how corny they sounded, spent hours watching old movies and pointing out the flaws..."
Jae is paying full attention.
"Everything was great until I screwed up." I can see the anticipation in Jae's eyes. With a heavy sigh, I continue. "I was twelve when I started dating someone. I know I was too young to have a boyfriend, but I really liked him, and I was stupid enough to believe he felt the same way."
I lower my hand, scooping up a fistful of sand, then let it sift through my fingers. "We kept our affair a secret, because we doubted that my parents would approve of my dating someone at such an early age."
I rub my palm over my shorts, removing the last bits of sand that stuck to my skin. Clenching my jaw, I raise my eyes to see Jae still looking at me wordlessly. His heart is glowing orange (control).
Tucking a wayward strand of hair behind my ear, I continue. "After a month into our relationship, he began to change. They were little things at first. Easy to overlook. I made excuses for his other misgivings. The fits of jealousy. His short temper. His impatience and lack of sympathy. But then.." I exhale deeply, closing my eyes. "He started to hit me."
Jae's heart is now glowing red tinted with black (anger).
My voice has a slight tremor as I speak. "He always aimed where no one can easily see. But eventually my parents found out, and they kept telling me to break up with him, but I was an idiot, see? I was blinded by lust and insecurity. I mistook it for love when it was really abuse with a few things thrown in between. What I viewed as romance was really just a sham."
"But you dumped him, right?"
I look at Jae, my expression blank. "We ended on bad terms, but it feels more like he was the one who chucked me. It sounds unfair and that's exactly how it is to me, but I'm just relieved that it's over."
Jae stretches his legs in front of him, planting his palms on the portion of blanket behind his back. He holds my gaze, asking, "Did you move in with your grandparents or..?"
"I don't have any relatives." I use my finger to draw circles in the sand. "My grandparents passed away long before I started high school. When my parents died, none of my aunts and uncles would take responsibility for me. They never liked us."
"In other words, you're pretty much on your own."
"It's just the opposite," I say, and for the first time since our conversation, I let my lips take the form of a fond smile. "I have Angel."
"Your.. friend?"
"She's more than a friend." I smile at Jae. "She's my stepsister."
