the darkness inside us ; multiship

thirty

trigger warnings - self-harm, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, depression, suicidal thoughts, and abuse.

this chapter's kinda a monster. be careful if you're triggered by anything i just mentioned

"Show me."

"What?"

Geoff forces back a sob. "Show me what you did to yourself while I was off crying about my stupid fucking nightmares."

His heart is racing. Awsten is perched on the edge of his bed but he can't join him, can't sit down, can't calm down about any of this. It's too much and he's too wound up and everything is going wrong.

How could he have not known? How could he have not seen this? How could his boyfriend have been cutting himself in secret? He's his boyfriend; he's supposed to know these things. What they say in therapy is supposed to be known by the other, like Vic and Kellin. Kellin looked proud when Vic confessed, not just as shocked as everyone else.

The realization was painful, a knife to his chest because how fucking oblivious can he get? How fucking blind does he have to be not to know the most important thing going on with Awsten.

"Geoff." Awsten's voice is level. "Baby, please. Breathe. You're freaking out."

"Of course I'm freakin' out!" Geoff snaps. "I just found out my boyfriend relapsed while I was busy havin' panic attacks over things that don't even fuckin' exist!"

"Stop." Awsten stands and takes a step forward, resting both hands on his shoulders. "Listen, okay? I wanted to tell you, I promise I did. It's just...I didn't want you to..."

"To what? You didn't want me to what?"

"To do what you're doin' right now," Awsten mumbles. "Blame yourself."

"Who the fuck else am I supposed ta blame? I'm your boyfriend!"

"I dunno, me?"

Geoff swallows hard. He reaches down and cups Awsten's cheek, tears filling his eyes. "I just...I love you so much Aws, and the thought of you cutting yourself..."

"I'm sorry," Awsten replies. "I hate seeing you in pain. I hate not bein' able to take it away. I hate bein' powerless."

"You do though," Geoff tells him. "You take some of it away. You make it easier. If I didn't have you I don't know where I'd be. You make it worth it on days I don't see the point. You're my motivation, Aws. I need you."

"Nothing's wrong with me," Awsten assures him. "Nothing new, anyway. I just...thought I deserved it because I can't help you..."

"That's bullshit." Geoff brings him in for a kiss and holds him tight. "You help me so much. Dunno what I'd do without you."

"You'll never havta find out."

"You can't do this ta me again," Geoff mumbles. "I don't like surprises. S'pecially when everyone else's around. If you relapse or even have a bad day I wanna know. I wanna help. I wanna be there for you baby, please let me..."

Awsten nods quickly. "I promise I will. Next time you'll know."

"Hopefully there won't be a next time..."

"I love you," Awsten says, leaning up to kiss him again. He wraps his arms around Geoff's neck and Geoff tightens his grip on Awsten's waist. "I'm sorry."

"I love you too."

...

"Hey Ry."

He swallows and grips Ryan's hand. "It's been over a month, babe. How long you gonna keep the act up, eh?" The joke doesn't sit well. He can't bring himself to laugh. Ryan would've set his mouth in a thin, straight line and pointed to the door, holding back giggles, and when he moved they would've escaped, both of them falling over in laughter, holding onto each other for dear life.