the darkness inside us ; multiship

twenty nine

trigger warnings - panic attacks, anxiety, mentions of depression, mentions of self-harm, mentions of abuse, and rape

"Hmm..."

Jack whips his head up and tightens his grip on Alex's hand. He scoots his chair a few inches closer and watches as Alex blinks rapidly and pushes himself up to his elbows. He looks around the room, gaze finally stopping on their joined hands.

"Wha...?" He asks groggily.

"You had a panic attack and passed out," Jack tells him, keeping his voice low. "Mama carried you up here. You slept through dinner – thanks for that, by the way – I said I'd stay with you so I didn't have to eat with everyone."

"Glad I could be of service." Alex pulls his hand out of Jack's and turns away. Jack winces. Probably not the best way to put things.

"Hey, don't be like that," he replies. "You know I didn't mean it that way. I wanted to be here when you woke up."

"Did you, though?" Alex challenges. "That would mean you actually gave a shit about me."

That hurts. Jack knows the rejection must've been painful, but he didn't think he gave off an impression that he hated Alex... Just the thought of it is making his stomach twist.

"I've always cared about you, Lex." He reaches for Alex's hand again but Alex squirms away. Jack sighs, shaking his head. "I didn't say no because I don't wanna be with you...I thought Zack told you that..."

"He did," Alex mutters. "But you were so damn quick to assume I'd hurt you. Do I really seem like that shit of a person to you?"

Jack swallows. Alex doesn't get it. No matter who explains it, he doesn't understand. It's not fair. He doesn't want to talk about the past and bring up more personal shit for Alex to get it. He shouldn't have to.

"What happened in your parents' house?"

"What?" Alex snaps. "What the hell does that have to do with this?"

"Nothing," Jack replies. "But it's something you don't feel comfortable talking about, right?" Alex nods. "I have trust issues. Zack told you that. It's hard for me. I don't like talking about it. I'm tryna be as nice about this as I can, so please, Lex...please stop pushing me. It's not about you. I don't wanna hurt you either."

"Why are you so sure you will?" Alex's eyes soften. "Why do you have that little faith in yourself?"

"M'not...not a good person to date," Jack admits. "It just...it wouldn't work."

"You don't know that!"

Jack chuckles bitterly. "The last guy I was with left me because I was too clingy. The one before said I hurt him because I didn't spend enough time with him and used my eating disorder to cover it up. No one's ever wanted me, Alex." His voice is thick. "No one wants a guy that can't get better. No one wants a burden."

...

"I don't wanna be here."

"No one cares what you want."

"I want this to be over."

"Don't we all?"

Geoff grips the sides of his chair and slides it as close to Awsten's as possible. His hands are shaking and his stomach is churning. He doesn't feel good at all. Group therapy is the last place he wants to be.

Every so often they have a group session with all fifteen of them. It's infrequent, but sometimes, especially after holidays, Lucas decides that he needs to check in with all of them when they're not split based on their illnesses, and thus, he finds himself in a room with too many people that he has to trust enough to spill his darkest secrets to.