the darkness inside us ; multiship

nine

trigger warnings - depression, suicidal thoughts, homophobia, and abuse

Kellin doesn't know how to feel.

He doesn't know what to think.

He's spent so long believing he was the problem, that Vic broke up with him because he wasn't pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough. Never once did it cross his mind that Vic didn't do it because of him.

He knew part of him would always be in love with Vic. You never really forget your first love. You never let go completely. He thought it'd be one of those things he'd just learn to live with. He'd eventually move on, find someone else, and learn to be happy with them. He didn't think there was a chance of rekindling anything with Vic.

But now he knows.

Now he knows the truth and it's paralyzing.

None of the girls meant anything. None of the late nights, none of the drugs, none of the hookups...none of it meant anything. It was all an act to try and get over him, and damn, Vic's a good fucking actor.

He doesn't know where to go from here. Part of him is screaming, desperate to get back with Vic and remember all the good times they had, but the other part of him is still so afraid things won't work out again. He was destroyed after the break up. He can't go through that again. He's never hit a lower point but he knows he will if something tears them apart again.

Vic's willing to give him time and while he's grateful, more time to think and mull this over is going to stress him out even more. He needs to make a decision and he needs to do it before overthinking kills him.

There are so many pros and cons and he can't stop weighing them. It's a perfect balance. There's nothing tipping the scale in one direction and he's stuck. He could get back with Vic, risk the heartbreak again, but get genuine happiness and fulfillment and love again, or he could turn Vic down and risk missing out on a future with the man he's been in love with for years, but get security from heartbreak and the chance to learn how to be happy with himself.

Both options have equal benefits and sacrifices and he doesn't know what to do.

He's done getting high or drunk to run from his problems.

He needs to make a decision.

But which one is right?

...

"Are you sure you don't want me there?"

Awsten nods, forcing a smile. "Thanks, but I gotta do this on my own. And I dunno how comfortable Geoff would be with you in there anyway..."

"If he still thinks you were cheating..."

"I don't think he does," Awsten says quickly. "Just...this is hard enough as it is without having to worry about jealousy."

"I'll be right outside if you need me," Alex replies, pulling him in for a quick last hug.

Awsten swallows against the lump in his throat and knocks on Geoff and Vic's door.

"Come in!"

He turns the handle and steps inside, closing the door behind him. Just his luck, Vic and Geoff are there, and both pairs of eyes travel to him immediately. He squirms uncomfortably, biting his lip.

"Um...Geoff, can we talk?" He shoots a pointed glance at Vic, hoping he'll get the hint so he doesn't have to ask him to kindly get the fuck out. This isn't a story he's comfortable sharing with just anyone.

"Yeah, of course," Geoff says quickly, sliding off the bed and joining him at the door. "Vic, get out."

Vic rolls his eyes. "Lock the door if you start doin' it, please." He grabs his guitar and a hoodie from the closet and lets himself out.