the darkness inside us ; multiship

twenty one

trigger warnings - self-harm, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and mentions of eating disorders

"Oh, kid..."

Jack looks up in horror. The racing heart and cold feeling are back. He glances from his bleeding arm to Quinn's pained expression nervously. He doesn't know what to do. He can't lie his way out of this.

She knows.

She knows.

His last secret, the one thing he had for himself, is now gone.

The bed dips and Quinn meets his eyes.

"Jacko," She sighs. She reaches for a tissue from the box on his nightstand and presses it firmly against the wound, looking up at him again. "What's going on with you, babe? Talk to me."

"I, um," Jack stutters. He can't lie to her. He doesn't call her mama because it's cute; she's the only mother figure he's ever known (other than Jordan). Disappointing her hurts just as much as he imagines disappointing his biological mother would.

He's already done that though, by being born.

"I ruined everything," he confesses thickly, staring down at his bedspread. He bites his lip and forces himself to swallow against the sob bubbling up his throat.

"What are you talking about, kiddo?" Quinn pulls the tissue away from his arm and reaches into one of the drawers in his nightstand. She produces an ace bandage and sets to work. "So you won't be tempted."

"With Alex," Jack chokes out. The words hurt to get out. Saying them out loud has his stomach turning. "He hates me. And so does Rian. And Rian's dating Zack so he'll get Zack to hate me and he'll turn the entire house against me and I'll be all alone they'll leave and I'll be all alone!"

The words tumble out in one breath and he's panting by the end, a hand on his rib cage. His chest is tightening, frighteningly so. He's only had one real panic attack before, but its trauma gave him more insight than he's ever wanted on the signs and symptoms. He's getting pretty close.

"Whoa, babe. Don't panic on me. You gotta breathe, okay?" Quinn grabs his face and looks him straight in the eye. "You're okay. Just take some deep breaths."

He's never had to stop a panic attack before it gets bad, but then again, he hasn't had many panic attacks to stop. He follows Quinn's breathing shakily, inhaling too fast and coughing painfully. It takes a good five minutes to get his breath back. He's exhausted and his chest hurts but there's an underlying feeling of accomplishment because he would've just let the panic overtake him but he pushed through.

"You okay?" Quinn presses a kiss to his forehead and thumbs tears off his cheeks, smiling at him.

"Y-Yeah..." He mumbles tiredly. "Sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Quinn tells him. Her eyes soften. "You really care about him, don't you?"

He swallows hard, refusing to meet her eyes. "Don't."

"Jack, there's nothing wrong with admitting that," Quinn murmurs. "Listen sweetheart, I know you've been through hell in the past few years, but it's over now. You're here, to stay, and Alex...between you and me, he's here to stay too."

"I can't," Jack grounds out. "Please."

He can't do this. He can't be Alex's perfect little boyfriend. He can't care about another person right now. He doesn't care about himself. He doesn't have the energy to. Adding a romantic relationship, one that's dependent on love and affection...he's not up to it and he'd rather hurt Alex by saying no than agree to start something and disappoint him because he's not what Alex thought he was.