the darkness inside us ; multiship

nineteen

trigger warnings - anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, and eating disorders.

"I was having a bad day."

The flinch is involuntary. He's on alert as soon as he hears Calum's voice, heart pounding and mind racing.

He hates it.

Calum is his best friend. They've grown up together. Calum has been the person he's gone to with everything, from his fears about asking Luke out to his bad days with his eating disorder. Calum was the first to realize he had an eating disorder. Every bad day, every nightmare, every panic attack...Calum was there for all of it with soft touches and forehead kisses and back rubs and the overall reminder that he'd always be there.

On his darkest days, that got him through.

He hates that comfort turned into fear.

"Mikey..." Calum's voice cracks. "Please, don't be scared of me...I'm so sorry."

Michael lifts his head and meets Calum's eyes. The pain and genuine sadness reflected in them is heartbreaking. He wants to forgive him. He wants to forgive him more than anything because he can't stand fighting with Calum. He wants the cuddles and kisses and back rubs back more than anything.

He bites his lip and opens his arms tentatively.

The smile on Calum's face is wider than he's ever seen before. He crosses the room in two strides, leaping into the couch and curling up against Michael. Michael breathes out heavily, closing his eyes and tilting his head to rest it on top of Calum's.

They stay like that for a few minutes, basking in the silence and enjoying each other's company. Michael's missed it more than he realized. Luke means the world to him, but he's not Calum. He doesn't get him the way Calum does. There's just something about your best friend that's unparalleled. Significant other or not, no one can match up to their level of understanding.

He likes to think of Calum as his platonic soulmate. Luke is the love of his life but Calum is his soulmate.

"It's been hard," Calum speaks up. "Things have been kinda low for a while now and it's really fuckin' me up because Ash and I just got together. M'supposed to be happy. Things are supposed to be good. But they're not and I was frustrated and angry and I know that's no excuse, but Mikey...you're my best friend. You've been there through everything. And fuck, you are everything but useless."

Michael understands. Calum's bipolar disorder hasn't been as much of a problem since he was put on a combination of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. The medication keeps him balanced, but he does have the occasional bad day. Michael didn't pick up on it. He would've known to stay out of Calum's way with the exception of silent cuddle if he'd known.

"Please...this can't be the thing that tears us apart," Calum chokes out. "I can't lose you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Mikey.

A tear rolls down his cheek and Michael swallows hard, squeezing Calum tightly to his chest and burying his nose in his hair.

He just wishes he believed that.

...

"Aws, seriously. You can go to bed. M'okay. S'not like I'm not used to this."

Awsten rolls his eyes, fighting the urge to thump Geoff in the back of the head. Like he's actually going to go to sleep knowing his boyfriend is awake because his head won't shut up. Bullshit. He loves Geoff, but sometimes he can be a real dumbass.

"I'm not goin' anywhere," Awsten mutters. He tugs Geoff down to rest his head in his lap. "Just try an' sleep, okay? It's okay if you can't."

"It's not that I can't," Geoff says irritably. "It's that being tired all day is better than waking up on the verge of a panic attack because of my fucking dreams."