the darkness inside us ; multiship

twenty two

trigger warnings - self-harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and suicide. this one's really heavy, guys. be careful.

It's been two weeks.

Two goddamn motherfucking weeks of Gerard and Vic looking cozy as shit. They're not even trying to be subtle about it. Gerard has his head permanently in the clouds. Frank talks and he doesn't listen. He tries to cuddle and Gerard pushes him away with a shitty excuse. Gerard usually comes to his room at night and he hasn't in days.

He can't keep doing this.

"What?"

Frank looks up in surprise. He just said that aloud. Shit. Kellin's looking at him worriedly and he can't lie to him. Not about this. Not when he's in the same boat. "I, um..." He exhales. "I can't live like this anymore, Kellin."

"Frank." Kellin grabs his shoulders and forces him to look him in the eye. "You're not thinking what I think you're thinking."

"Well I don't know what the fuck you're thinking, but I think I needa be alone," Frank mutters, wrenching his body out of Kellin's grip. He turns away, not wanting to see the look in Kellin's eyes. He can't take the puppy dog eyes full of heartbreak. He can't take any more guilt trips.

He's doing this, for himself. He's done being ashamed of it.

"This is gonna break him, y'know."

He whips around. The icy feeling is spreading through his chest and all over his body. "Don't."

Kellin shrugs. "You told me how much you love him, don't you think he loves you just as much? And if you love him as much as you say you do, are you ready to be the person who destroys him?"

"Stop it," Frank growls. "Stop tryna guilt me outta it."

Kellin holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm jus' saying. I couldn't do it. I could never hurt Vic like that."

"He's cheating on you!" Frank screams. The tears come before he knows what's happening, and he squeezes his eyes shut, trying to breathe against the wall of emotion crushing his chest. "They're cheating on us, don't you get it?"

"We don't know that," Kellin reminds him gently. "We don't know for sure. What if they're not?"

"Don't give me that!" Frank shoots back. "You were the one who convinced me to get in on this bullshit! You didn't trust Vic! I trusted Gerard!"

Kellin nods. "You're right. But Vic comes to my room every night to hold me and tell me he loves me. And he's been doin' it since before this whole thing with Gerard happened. Nothing's changed. He's not different. So I think I can trust him. I love him. What's a relationship without trust?"

"I don't know," Frank says hollowly. "You convinced me it's not everything."

...

Thanksgiving is a week away.

Thanksgiving, the time of being grateful and eating a ton of food and surrounding yourself with the people you love and love you, is a week away. Thanksgiving is a week away and his boyfriend, the closest thing he has to a real family, is in a coma.

He bites his lip and looks down at his arm. "If you could see this." A humorless chuckle escapes and his throat burns. "You'd be so disappointed, fuck."

Ryan hasn't shown any signs of waking up and he's been in a coma for almost three weeks. It's risky, cutting in his hospital room. He could wake up at any second and it'd go down in history as one of the worst ways to wake up.

Brendon knows he should care, but he doesn't.

He drags the blade across his wrist again, teary-eyed and aching as he looks up at Ryan. "How crazy would it be if you woke up right now? How fucking insane."