the darkness inside us ; multiship

eight

trigger warnings - mentions of eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, and severe homophobia

Distraction is key.

Something Alex's learned in his short time here is that distraction, at mealtimes, is the key to avoiding panic attacks and near-purges.

Distract Jack, Frank, Mikey, Brendon, and Awsten, get them talking, and they'll eat without thinking too much about what they're doing. It works every time and Alex is starting to get better at it.

Jack isn't here and that's worrying him. Alex knows he had group with Lucas today. He hasn't seen him since Jack pushed past him on the stairs earlier. Alex caught a glimpse of his face, the red eyes and tearstained cheeks, and he's been worried ever since.

"Guys, um, is Jack okay?" He lifts a forkful of pasta to his mouth and chews thoughtfully, looking at Luke. He's Jack's roommate, he'll probably know the most.

"He's in a shitty place," Luke sighs. "That's why he was so mean to Awsten yesterday. His eating disorder is giving him hell, so what Geoff did really pissed him off."

"He's always been quiet about his problems," Pete says. "It sucks because we all wanna help him, but he doesn't like talking about them. He bottles things up, represses things, and ends up having a breakdown when they get to be too much."

"He takes on everyone else's shit and pushes his to the side."

"He's like, the big brother," Ashton explains. "He's been here the longest out of all of us. He's the closest to moms. He's the one we go to if we needa hug or pep talk."

"I'm kinda glad Luke doesn't sleep in his bed," Kellin adds. "The first couple days after everything with Vic...I slept there. Sometimes I crawled in with Jack. I dunno, his breathing helped me calm down and knowing someone was there, that I wasn't alone, made things a helluva lot easier."

"Are you okay?" Alex asks. "I've wanted to ask for a while, just didn't feel like I could...m'still so new, wouldn't blame everyone for not wanting to tell me what's going on with them."

Kellin shrugs. "Being in love with someone who doesn't give a shit about you fuckin' sucks, man. But I think I'm getting over him. He doesn't care about me, why should I waste energy on him?"

"Because he's the one. At the end of the day, he's the person you wanna spend your life with and that's never gonna change no matter how good the next guy is." Alex follows Ashton's gaze to the other end of the long table, where Calum is laughing over something Michael's said, and then it clicks.

"Ash..." He wasn't talking about Vic and Kellin. The confession and realization that Ashton's in love with Calum is both shocking and heartbreaking to Alex. He never saw it coming, but now that he knows, the past few weeks make so much more sense.

Ashton and Calum are so close and now Alex knows it's because Ashton is smitten, but Calum is oblivious. He has no idea and the sadness etched across Ashton's face makes it clear how damaging that's been.

"It's okay," Ashton says softly. "I'm okay."

Alex knows he's not.

...

"Kells? Can I talk to you?"

Kellin swallows. His heart is hammering in his chest because that's the one voice he hasn't heard in a while and part of him is getting accustomed to that. Cutting Vic out seemed like an insurmountable task, but it's been easier than he thought.

It hurts. Being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way is the worst feeling in the world and he's so tired. He's tired of pining, tired of dreaming, tired of hoping that one day Vic will come to his senses and realize the mistake their breakup was. He's tired of living his life waiting on a boy that clearly doesn't care as much about him as he does them. He's tired of wishing and hoping and dreaming and fantasizing so he's done.