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2018/11/7 - Please/I Miss You So Much

~~~ This poem is kind of long, I'm sorry for that. It is also super personal, and I didn't really want to go into too much detail, but I still kind of did. (Hope that makes sense). But feel free to skip over it. Hope you enjoy the poem if you choose to read it. Thanks! ~~~

Sweet ghost,
Angel of my dreams
And bringer of distress,
I know you do not mean
To cause me sorrow,
But I wish you would
Hurt me.

Forcing me to dream
These sweet dreams where
I am happy with you,
Then waking to this nightmare
That I call life is not enough.

You have seen my desires 
In those dreams, 
Those dreams where 
I tell you everything in my soul
As you listen kindly, 
Hugging me, like you used to.

I drown in misery when I awake.
You cannot be with me here,
And I routinely force myself through the day
So that I may, once again, 
See your sweet face in my dreams.

I feel like you're trying to tell me something.

In my dreams you do not smile as much,
And you tell me that 
I am pushing myself too hard. 
Your robes of mourning white seem to 
Shine brighter than before,
But I don't seem to understand.
Have I displeased you?

I am trying my hardest to
Make a future for myself
While bettering both my mind and body,
But lately you seem so distant and sad.
Have I caused it?

Your sweet embrace in my dreams,
Where we are both as we once were,
Helps me get through the day.
But when visions flood my mind,
Drowning it in tidal waves of fondness
And immense sadness, 
Then it gets hard to even breathe.

You are gone, but I am still here.

It's not fair.

I wish your voice was not intoxicating,
I wish your brown eyes did not shine with warmth,
I wish your face was not as beautiful,
I wish you were not so interesting,
I wish I didn't love to hear you speak,
I wish I didn't love to hold you close to me,
I wish that I couldn't remember you
And I wish that you hated me, 
Because maybe then it wouldn't be so hard
To endure this waking nightmare.

That's a lie.

I love every single dream and thought I have of you,
I could never wish for you to change, I love you as you are,
I could never wish for you to hate me,
I'm thankful that you came into my life and loved me at my worst,
But there is one thing that I do wish, my sweet ghost,
And I know that you're too kind to ever do it, 
But I wish you would kill me in my dreams,
Make it so that I never wake again.

Please don't give me that sad look, 
You know that I hate to see you upset,
So please smile, 我的亲爱的。
你知道我爱你。

I am trying to learn Chinese
So that I can better understand these
Dreams I have of you.
In my dreams I can 
Understand you perfectly, 
But when I wake your words
Become something I do not understand.
It makes me sad.
It's like I have forgotten a language
That I once knew.
It both baffles and confuses me.

I feel so dumb, sad, and confused.
How can I understand you in my dreams,
But hardly know a word when I wake?

I feel disgusted with myself,
And I can't entirely explain why.
I have told you why, my sweet ghost,
But I can never explain it to myself
Or even voice it on paper.
But no matter how much I hate myself,
You always smile at me and 
Beg me to hold you.
I can't quite understand it.

Why do you still love me?
I am nothing like how I once was.

Again, I wake but you're not here,
You will never be, and I am forced to 
Endure this waking nightmare alone.
I hate it, I absolutely hate it,
And I wish you weren't so gentle, 
So kind, so loving, because maybe then
You would grant me this one wish -
Please kill me in my dreams,
Make it so that I never wake again.

请。

我好想你。