Side by Side...

Since Day One

My soul is growing weary,
My feet feel like lead.

My soul is heavy,
But time pauses for no one.

I need time to think,
Think on who I am,
The memories made,
What this all means,
But the earth keeps turning.

Time pauses for no one,
I have reasons to be afraid.

The ones who made me don't love me,
Everyone always pushes me away.

I literally feel sick with these thoughts
Because I want to believe you,
But it's so hard when I've been fed lies all my life.

Feeling sick with my thoughts,
Yet I crave your love:
A love that never dies.

I wasn't enough for my parents.
How can I be enough for you?

My thoughts disgust me,
But time stops for no one.

How can I move forward
When pieces of my past stand in my face?

Taunting, tormenting me,
Daring me to lash out
Only to feel pain.

My soul is heavy, dirty,
Filled with hate by those I love.

How can I ever be enough for you
When I feel sick at the sight of myself?

Letting them tear me to shreds,
They're words and actions cut like knives.

I feel so nauseous with these thoughts,
Everything I've experienced is contradicting my heart.

I want to believe you,
But my mind keeps dragging me back.

How could I ever be enough for you
When I'm so cynical, full of anxiety?

It's not you, it's all I've been through
Because I'm trying to believe, to let go of the past,
But it keeps pulling me back with every step I take.

Keeping me in their hell,
Lashing out at me,
I just want to escape.

So sick, so scared of these thoughts,
Because my heart believes you
While my mind questions your motives.

My heart is fighting my mind,
But these demons around me only make it worse.

It's just the way the earth turns,
Time stops for no one,
And it has damaged me.

Trapped between my heart and mind,
It's so hard to find the truth,
So hard to believe one over the other.

So sick with myself,
The lines between truth and illusion are blurred
As I try to find my way.

I know you love me,
I just wish you were here
Because it would be so much easier.

I wish I was different,
That I would let myself fall completely for you,
But my mind pulls me back.

I've grown accustomed to the "love" I'm given
That I don't think I deserve you,
But oh how I wish you were here.

Everything was better when you were here,
Every day spent with you was pure bliss.

I know you love me,
But I find it so hard to believe
Because who am I to deserve you?

I've been cast aside,
Treated like dirt all my life.

Yet you caught my eye from day one
And I knew then that I fell for you.

I never believed in love at first sight
Until I met you,
But I remember seeing you for the first time and I thought:
"She's the one."

I don't know how to reassure you,
But I've loved you since day one
And I always will.

I just wish you were here.