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7/21/2018 - Note to Self About Myself

Hi guys, it feels like an eternity since I bothered to sit down and write something, but I'm back (even if just for a brief moment). First of all, this isn't going to be a poem, so feel free to ignore this if you want, but please don't comment anything rude/hateful on this if you do choose to read it. Before I delve into the issue that has been bothering for as long as I can remember, I just want to thank you for all of the reads and votes that you guys leave because it means a lot to me that you guys take time out of your lives to sit down and read my petty writing. So I sincerely thank you a lot for that. Now, I'm not kidding when I say that this is an issue that has affected me my whole life, so please try to be kind and understanding because it has recently become very overwhelming (again). Writing is the only way I can freely (and comfortably) express this matter, so, again, please try to understand and be kind.

--- WARNING: Some of the things mentioned below may be triggering! Please don't read it if you get upset easily, and please don't comment if you have nothing nice to say. Thank you for your cooperation. ---

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It all started when I was born (literally - sorry for being a Squidward). I have always hated what has been expected of me because I was born a girl. I've always hated my body (even more so once puberty hit), I've always hated being called a girl (so of course I love it when my younger brother refers to me as 'bro' or 'boy'), and I've always hated what my parents expect me to do because I'm a 'girl' (get a boyfriend, have grandchildren, dress in clothes that I am 100% uncomfortable in - like tight pants, tight shirts, dresses, skirts, etc., act fake/different from how I really am - I only feel comfortable to act like my true self around my brother. I don't know how to explain the way I act around my brother, but I can tell you how I'm expected to act around others: I'm expected to act like the slightest blow of wind could snap me in half, I'm not allowed to make any jokes (fart, perverted, or otherwise) because that's 'unlady-like,' if I'm attending some formal event like a graduation I am expected to wear a dress or skirt - no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel, I'm not allowed to buy guy clothing if we go shopping as a family (my parents literally have a meltdown and act like it's the end of the world if I even longingly look at the male clothing), and the list goes on.  

I remember one time when I was younger, my dad and I were riding in the car together, and I can't remember why but he said: "Can you stop acting like that? You will NEVER be a boy. NEVER. You're a girl, my daughter, so I suggest you start acting like it." I only remember that I was really young (so maybe it was around sixth grade), but once he said that I remember feeling my face contort in disgust (no offence to women out there) and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't understand why hearing him call me that made me so sad and, to this day, still makes me feel so sad and utterly hopeless. What I'm about to write next should come as no surprise, but I vividly remember eighth grade and on (even now) as a waking misery that I'm forced to endure. In eighth grade I started cutting myself, it was the only way I knew how to deal with the pain I was feeling, and it was something that distracted me from my horrible mental state. Yes, I remember desperately wanting to die if it meant that I could escape this hell of a body. Eventually, my parents discovered that I was cutting myself, but they thought (and still think) that it was because of bullying because I never told them that I absolutely cannot stand being a girl, and that I wish I was born with a penis instead.

It makes sense that I wouldn't tell them though because of the thing my dad said years earlier. Also, during that same year (still eighth grade) I thought that I was lesbian and told my parents, so for the longest time I had to deal with my dad making fun of me and telling my mom to avoid/hate me for it. I remember hearing him asking my mom how she's able to stand being alone in a car with me (what he was trying to insinuate disgusted me), but she didn't seem too affected by the question because she just answered with 'I don't know.' Which isn't a very good answer, but it's better than 'I'm forced to because she's my child,' and I desperately wanted to walk in on them and say 'Because being gay or lesbian isn't the same as incest or wanting to fuck every thing you see (like you seem to believe).' But I bit my tongue and I remember going back to my room and just crying because I knew that I was unwanted, but I couldn't really understand why my parents (especially my dad) started to treat me differently (favoring and comparing my brother to me).

Eventually my parents 'forgot' (and by forgot, I mean choose to ignore) about my 'gayness,' and my dad keeps saying 'When are you getting married? When will I get grand kids?' And I straight up told him: 'The only grand children you're getting are cats.' This resulted in him saying: 'One day you'll find the right guy,' and I resisted the urge to gag because I don't like guys like that. Sure, they're great friends, but I'm not attracted to guys in the same way as women, so please don't try to guilt me into liking guys just so you can have grand kids. (I hate it when people do shit like that - it's so sick and selfish). 

Anyways, back to the matter at hand. I'm writing this because it has recently become overwhelming again - not to the point of cutting and wanting to kill myself because I know what my parents would do if they found out. Because of that fear, I'm paralyzed and depressed. For the past two years (going on three this October), I have been so depressed that I have been unable to do hardly anything - it also doesn't help that it's like an interrogation whenever I do want to do something as simple as go outside. That depression has resulted in me gaining over forty pounds in three years and it has caused me to become even more unhappy with myself. I want to try and lose that weight (40 pounds), maybe even a little more because I noticed that I was at least a little happier (the happiest I've ever been with this body) at 130 pounds. (Quick disclaimer before anyone says that it's unhealthy: I did not starve myself, I was the same height that I am now, 5 foot 8, and I felt great). 

As much as I do want to lose weight, it is a hassle dealing with my parents (especially my dad). My dad, as stated before, literally interrogates me if I ever do anything, and it makes me never want to do anything. Example: the other day I wanted to go outside, so I told him that I was going outside (I hate how nice I am for even saying it because I know he's going to question it), and he asked me why, like I'm not allowed to go outside or I'm up to something. (Note: I've been a good kid all my life. The only time I've ever done anything questionable is go for a walk in the woods with a group of friends when I was in eighth grade. I went with my two friends - one of which was actually my girlfriend - and the other one wasn't allowed to go in the woods without her brother, so her parents made her bring her 18 year old brother along. And guess what? For some dumb reason, despite me telling my mom that I was going out with friends, my dad ended up turning it into me sneaking out with a boy and thinking that I fucked him - I was in eighth grade. To this day, he still thinks that I secretly left the house because I was 'in love' with my friend's brother, and I am still absolutely disgusted that he would think such a thing about me when I was in eighth grade). But where was I? Oh yeah, he acts like I'm such a devious kid that's going to do something illegal or something just because I said: 'I'm going outside,' and he acts surprised when I never want to eat anymore because he essentially says that I'm fat all the time. 

Which is true, but where I'm so tall it doesn't really look too bad - but I absolutely hate it because I've gained hips, my thighs look huge (from fat, not working out), my ass looks bigger (it's disgusting), and my boobs - one of the parts I hate most, along with my female sex organ - have become bigger as well. (Sorry about that graphic description). The thing that also irritates me about him calling me and my mom 'fat' is that he's the fattest one in the house, and my mom has only recently (the past three years) become comfortable with eating snacks and gained enough weight that she doesn't look like a skeleton anymore, so it kind of irritates me more so when he calls her fat. Sorry, I got off topic again, but it bothers me that he's so hypocritical and is able to say such things without caring or feeling any remorse. 

Only recently have I come to love what I wear. For almost a  year now I've been buying my clothes online from the men's section, and there is not a day that I have regretted it. My clothes fit great, I like the style of them, and the best part is that my parents don't bother me about it because they don't know (except my mom because she knows that I wear men's underwear, she doesn't like or approve of me doing it, but she keeps it secret because she knows my dad would flip). Also, let me just say that being upset over this is not fun. In fact, if there was some way I could magically become a guy and still be accepted by my parents, then I would gladly do ANYTHING to accomplish that, but, sadly, there isn't a way to do that and still be even barely accepted by my parents or even my family, except maybe my younger brother.

Anyways, I should try to wrap this up. I really really hate being a girl and being forced to live in a body I can't stand, but the weight gain makes it even worse, and I felt like I had to write all of this down before I ended up exploding. Thanks for listening/reading my rant if you've made it this far, and I'm sorry if you did actually read this because it's just a bother to you, so I'm sorry about that. I guess I'll end it now, and thank you for reading this. 

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