I'm really afraid of being soulless.
That one day I'm going to look up to find nothing but emptiness and a lack of existence that numbs me staring back.
I was suicidal, but my anger burned and kept me alive by charring me from the inside out.
No, it's nothing compared to losing yourself.
Sometimes I feel dead.
Sometimes it's so quiet that my thoughts scream.
Nothing seems able to break them.
I want to cry,
But then I forget why I'm sad and find myself unable to.
It's hard to connect.
I want to bawl my eyes out and feel stupidly happy over one I love or even genuinely hate someone for hurting me,
But nothing lasts long enough.
It's not blackness.
It's a lack of color altogether.
It's being blind and trying to picture a rainbow.
It's faking tears at your grandfather's funeral and not understanding why.
What's love?
What's being so happy that words can't express it?
I do know frostbite.
It's this perpetual chill that follows me constantly.
I blame it on poor circulation.
I don't know if that's true.
I wish I could feel excited like I'm supposed to.
Why couldn't I genuinely smile when I was surprised with my first car?
I can't function normally.
I don't understand,
But I'm really afraid of the quiet.
But I really love the quiet.
I fear becoming unrecognizable.
I think all the time about those close to me dying and what I'd feel,
Like I'm rehearsing it.
I would never hurt them.
I just want to cling to humanity and be perfect and hold on for God's sake.
Humanity's slippery.
Yeah, it's nothing compared to losing yourself.
