Charmaine's Story

Airplane Nightmares

White Horse- linked to instinct , purity and the drive of the physical body to release powerful and emotional forces, like rage with ensuing chaos and destruction.

Charmaine

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We had finally boarded the plane back to California and I had A LOT of thinking to do. I had to find Shanyya, end Erica , and keep my family alive. This was hella pressure and I just took over and things are already messed up .

I decided to sit by myself so that I could think clearly. I guess everyone got the picture because they didnt attempt to sit by me .

I couldnt believe that I actually fell for something so dumb. Now Shanyya could be hurt or maybe even dead.

All this thinking of the worst just made my blood boil even more. It was already hard to get the image of my mom being taken away , it would be harder to rid the one of Shanyya's cold body . Just seeing it made the memory of therapy come back .

-- F L A S H B A C K --

I was only ten when the therapy thing started. I guess I was going through a tough time with my mom not being around, so Shannyya thought therapy would help .

Really , it didn't . Because the nightmare of my mom being put in the back of the police car always came back .

" Alright Charmaine we're here look at me . Go in there and express everything that's the only way you'll get help." Shannyya said giving me a hard look.

" Of course that's easy for you to say you don't do this . I mean she sits there with that notepad and looks at me in her leather chair and judges me like she's God." I said getting pissed off knowing I was again about to be judged today.

" Charmaine we can only take it slow. One day at a time ." She said grabbing my hand.

Really ? Now I had to pause .

" One day at a time huh ? I swear to God if I hear that phrase one more time , I'll kill the person that said it." What Shannyya failed to realize is that the phrase doesn't help .

I got out the car and walked into the building that always smelt of tears and deep depression. For everything to be white in here you sure didn't seem happy or pure of anything .

Finally reaching my therapist door I took a deep breath and opened it. There she sat with her legs crossed , her glasses pushed up, and that punk ass notebook.

" Good evening Charmaine, how's everything going ?" Ms. Paige asked .

I never understood why she asked the same question to receive the same response .

" It was okay until I had to come here... Again." I said laying down on the love seat across from her .

" Well I'm sorry to hear that. Now your God mom has told me you're still having that dream. Has it gotten worse ?" She asked looking at me and picking up her pen.

" Yeah it has. It's to the point now when I wake up and feel like I - I can't breath ." I said looking at her making sure she understood .

" You know Charmaine I am concerned but I'm not surprised ." She said removing her glasses. " Today makes the 6th anniversary of this big massacre your mother committed so you think about it and the dream feels more real. How's your relationship with Shannyya going?" Ms. Paige asked waiting on a response .

" Shannyya ? Not good she's a constant reminder. Every time I see her and the scars I go from this zero to one hundred rage and I wanna go up to her AND JUST-." I said in pure rage but stopped quickly remembering who I was talking to .

" No don't stop finish that phrase ." She said sitting up and putting her notebook down.

I shook my head." No you just wanna send me away." I said knowing for a fact it could happen.

" No I don't want you in a hospital you wouldn't get any help there." Ms. Paige said.

As she kept talking my eyes landed upon something more interesting .

" What's that ?" I asked referring to the picture behind her that hung on the wall .

" Some kind of painting ." She said looking at me and back towards the picture . " I always ask my patients to see what they see. So , what do you see ?" She asked still focused on the weird painting .

I poked out my bottom lip and studied it and that's when I saw it .

" White Horse ?" I said not sure but a little certain . " What does that tell you ? That I'm crazy ? " I said waiting on a answer to piss me off .

" It tells me that you're a girl that likes White Horses ." She said in a very serious voice .

Getting that answer made me nod my head in agreement and leave feeling a little better.

-- END OF FLASHBACK --

Opening my eyes from that flashback made me even more upset. I didn't even realize I was crying till I felt a hand wipe my falling tears away.

" Charmaine everything is going to be okay." Dee said hugging me which only caused me to cry even harder.

" Dee have you ever had a dream where it felt so real till the point you wake up it's like reality just hits you so hard." I asked hoping she'd say yes.

" Yeah plenty of times." She said lifting my head." Wanna hear about it?" She asked .

" Please." I said hoping it would make me feel better.

She closed her eyes and started.

" I dreamed a dream in time gone by, when hopes were high and fucks worth giving. I dreamed no person would make me cry, I dreamed that hugs would be for giving. Then, I was young and unprepared and feelings were made and used. There were no extensions to be begged, no nights un slept, no effort wasted. But the decision making came, at last, with their laughter soft as thunder, as they tear you apart, as they turn your dream to shame."

As she finally finished I started to drift into a deep sleep. I really didn't know what Dee dream meant and why she choose that one to tell. Knowing Dee she was wise with her words I knew it was about me but exactly what was she telling me ?