Dear Diary

Dear Diary: Forty-Five

Eren's Point of View: KoKo_Buni

Fuck.

As I was laying in bed, arms and legs sprawled out across my magnolia sheets, I realised one thing that I had been denying for a while: I was entirely, annoyingly, in love with the one person everyone told me to avoid... Levi. He could hurt me over and over again, yet, for some reason, I kept going back to him; I kept trying, refusing to let him go. 

Why was I able to feel such a strong passion and desire to never give up on him, but never felt that way towards myself? Why did I hate myself, but have the capability to love him? Why... why couldn't I love myself?

As an exasperated sigh fled my lips, I groaned in annoyance and grabbed my pillow, grumbling curse words into the soft fabric, not like anyone would hear me anyways. There was never anyone, it seemed. I felt deathly alone—I felt as if I was drowning, but nobody saw me struggle. I felt as if I was slowly being suffocated, but nobody could hear my silent pleads and screams for help. 

My father had literally abandoned me when I was a child; he, somehow, became a millionaire via shady business deals, yet I never saw 1% of that money. My father had fallen in love with money and corruption rather than his son—then again, I was unwanted and unplanned from the very beginning.

Although my mother was always there, she wasn't at the same time. She worked two jobs just to ensure we were able to even live in a house at all, yet when she wasn't working she still rarely came home. If I was lucky, I would see her for an hour or so a week. I had no idea where she went or what she did, but that wasn't my business. She was my mother, but I had never been close to her; I was never really close to anyone, not even myself.

Sighing, I squeezed my eyes closed, forcing away my tears as my heart sank in my chest. There was something about crying—even if I was alone—that just made me feel... so weak and worthless. So I didn't do it. I bottled up my emotions and my diary was the only way they were ever released, but I had become too paranoid to keep a diary again. 

I sat up on my bed, glancing around my room that just looked so empty. In fact, the entirety of my house was empty; it always was. It seemed as if nobody even lived here as there were no personal decorations or even life anywhere. Even my room was miserably dull and empty. 

Though, as I felt incredibly bored, I realised that my house was big enough (and empty enough) to throw a party. Perhaps, one day, I would. I laughed at the idea. Even people who hated me would turn up, merely for the chance to get wasted and pass out. Somehow, though, the idea seemed to intrigue me. I would talk to Armin about it another time. 

As I was situated there on my bed, a deafening silence filling the entirety of my room, I felt a sudden boost of bravery. I grabbed my phone, deciding to message one person I hadn't in such a long time. 

My mother. 

Eren-: mum...
Eren-: I was wondering when/if you're coming home?

No reply. I had expected that. 

Even after hours of waiting, I didn't get an answer. I even tidied my room, listened to music and watched an episode of Riverdale, but I still hadn't received an answer. And, perhaps, I never would. But, in a strange way, I guess that was okay. 

No—it had to be. 

As I had just started to close my eyes, my phone buzzed beside me and I jumped up in surprise, immediately grabbing it, an ear-to-ear grin plastered across my face excitedly. 

Mum-: I'm not sure. I have work everyday this week and the times I don't, I will stay at a friends house. It is just easier to get to work that way. 

Mum-: Sorry Eren. My smile had fallen, crumbled, and, suddenly, the tears that I had been holding back ran down my cheeks, dropping onto my phone and bedsheets as I sobbed. My throat became dry, my eyes puffy and red as I screamed and balled my eyes out like I never had before. It felt as if my entire world had fallen upon me and I just wasn't strong enough to move it. Not alone, anyway.

Again, I grabbed my pillow, shoving it against my face as I sobbed and sobbed until it seemed that I had no more tears left to cry. As much as I hated to admit it, crying really made me feel better... even if that was a microscopic amount. 

In that moment, when I was wallowing entirely in self pity, I desperately needed something to allow me to forget. I needed to forget, I needed to become so hazy that I no longer cared. I needed a way for the pain to end. 

"Oh, fuck it." I grumbled, grabbing my phone and calling Armin as I paced back and fourth in my room, waiting impatiently for the blonde to answer. 

When he finally did, I practically yelled my idea at him. "Armin! I have the best idea, wanna hear?" I chuckled, though felt no such joy in my heart. 

"Go on."

"Next weekend, after the shitty week of school is over, we should throw a party at my house! We could literally invite everyone, maybe Levi—" I was interjected by Armin, who exclaimed in surprise. 

"We?! Eren, I really don't do parties! I hate large crowds and alcohol... I thought you did too." Armin said quietly, almost as if he could see that I was slowly beginning to change, even if I couldn't see it at the time. 

"Yeah, yeah I do, but I just want to have fun for one night of my boring ass life! Come or don't come, but this party is fucking happening." I stated, walking into the kitchen as I grabbed an apple. 

"Okay." That was all Armin said. 

Then, there was a deadline.