Dear Diary

Dear Diary: Thirty-Five

Eren's Point of View: KoKo_Buni

Silence.

Then, his voice. 

Usually, hearing a voice break the silence would be discomforting; it would be enough to cause my anxiety to sky rocket. Yet, somehow, his voice eased me.

"Why...?" He said quietly, barely audible as I watched him, eyebrow raised in utter confusion. 

"What do you mean 'why'?" I questioned, taking a small bite out of my food as I thought about what he meant.

I sat there, unable to fully comprehend that I was, actually, sitting beside the person whom everyone feared. I was comforted by the one person Mikasa avoided—the person Armin told me to stay away from, yet, for some reason, curiosity pulled me towards him.

Levi, dazed, stutters; "N-nothing brat.." He looks away, avoiding my gaze as it had settled upon him. "Just... J-just eat your food." He stuttered again. 

I couldn't understand where all of the rumours came from. My mind couldn't make sense of it—why would Levi do something like that, especially when I've seen his vulnerability. Did he show that to everyone? Seeing another side rather than his 'hard front' made my heart unexplainably beat furiously within my chest. 

Raising my eyebrow, taking another reluctant bite of my food, I tilted my head in confusion. "I'm almost finished." I said, glancing down at my hands as I felt Levi's eyes drag across towards me. "You know, Levi, everyone is wrong about you." I muttered beneath my breath, a light blush dancing across my cheeks as felt like I was experiencing my first love, or whatever I would call it, all over again. 

Levi's fists visibly clench around the spoon, hesitantly looking up from his food. "W-what?" He chokes out, frowning as he glared at me in confusion. "Speak up, kid."

"U-Uh" My words broke, the blush deepening upon my cheeks as I found myself unable to think straight. "I just- I just said that people are wrong about you." I said, heaving out a sigh of relief as I mentally applauded myself for not dying during that moment.

The old me—not like I had changed at all—would have merely run, literally, away and would just cry in my room. Yet, for some reason, I decided to stay.

And it was, quite possibly, the best choice I had ever made in the entirety of my meaningless life.

"How so?" Levi asked, body tensing up as he bit his lip.

There was a small, selfish, part of me that hoped I had been the only one to see that many sides to him. After all, he was the only one who knew about the contents if my diary. That was why I had been with him to begin with, right? Or had I been there because we both, truly, cared for each other?

I couldn't even understand my own feelings. Why would I ever be able to understand his?

I didn't deserve to understand him; he deserved better than someone like me. He deserves someone who could make him happy; someone that wasn't too broken to fix him; he deserve the entire world, universe and everything in between, yet all I could give him was the moon or a star.

I was nothing and he was everything—it could never happen, I told myself over and over again that it would never happen. That I would never feel that way towards anyone, yet, quite frankly, I think my heart decided all on its own who it wanted me to love. 

"You're just... You're nicer than people think. E-everyone told me you were bad news, but I didn't believe them." I choked out, the blush finally subsiding as I finished my food, looking up towards Levi with pain in my eyes.

I couldn't understand why anyone would describe Levi to be something he wasn't—or was there a possibility that he only acted this way around me? Shaking my head, I killed the preposterous thought from my mind and decided that everyone was wrong about him.

He was simply misunderstood. 

Looking down, speaking in a low tone, Levi responded. "...Maybe you should of." 

As those words fled his lips, I found that I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what to believe. I didn't want to believe that Levi was a bad person, yet did I merely need to open my eyes? After all, he did pin me up against a wall... though, who was I to talk?

I had anger that was like a flame: dangerous, inextinguishable, and it merely grew and grew until the flames, eventually, burnt me too. 

If the two of us to, hypothetically, collide what would happen? I was forest fire and he was a seemingly calm storm that then destroyed everything. A fire and a storm would make a dangerous duo. 

But, what did I have left to lose? 

"Why should I?" I asked, then, oddly, I had a moment in which all of my anxiety fled my mind and I felt as if I could say anything without a cloud of fear shadowing my mind. 

"Why should I believe everyone? People lie and exaggerate all of the time! People are toxic, and they lie and everyone has a side to them that they want nobody to see! Why would I believe rumours when rumours about me are entirely different to who I actually am? I know that you're not who they say you are, not completely, and, for once in my life, I feel safe around someone."

I paused momentarily, inhaling a deep breath as I continued. "I'm not exhausted from faking a smile or coming up with lies. So, don't give up on yourself so soon; you sound like you're giving up on yourself, on me, but don't!" I hollered, gaining the attention of everyone surrounding me. 

I couldn't look up and see Levi's reaction, nor could I look up and see everyone's expressions—I was too afraid, yet I felt a warm feeling suffocate my heart. 

I didn't run. 

I stayed.

I dragged my eyes upwards, and I couldn't have prepared myself for what I saw when I did.