why is life so fucking hard...?
why is life so fucking shitty...?
Breathe. In. Out. One. Two.
Breathe. In. Out. One. Two.
I sat in my bed, watching the rain patter down. I looked down at my wrists wondering what they would look like decorated with scars. Tears tried to escape my eyes, but they don't foreshadow the event of crying. I'll never be enough.
Never.
Towers of gold and diamonds are too little. They don't build the foundation a human requires. They build a reputation and a stature. Not a life.
My towers come crashing down right after they are rebuilt up.
I decide I'm fed up with my cowardly thoughts, and grab the pocket knife on my nightstand. I take a deep breath and puncture my skin. Leaving a trail of red in my way.
I slice another cut into my forearm and tears finally breech my cheeks as they slide down.
Nobody cares anyways. They all say they care , but deep down, you know you're a nuisance and a failure to all of them.
My dead mother.
My dead brother.
My dead cousin.
My abandoning father.
My stupid mouth.
My ugly face.
My fat stomach.
My disgusting eyes.
My pale, gross skin.
Everything.
I slice fifteen cuts on both arms. Slightly dizzy from the medium blood loss. I pour an entire bottle of vodka over the cuts watch them sizzle and hiss. I couldn't feel the pain. I just watched the blood mix with the alcohol and trickle down my arm.
I grab gauze from the medical kit under my bed, and wrap both arms up, the blood seeping through the bandaging.
Nobody cares. My friends are out getting drunk. The sisters are with them. Everybodys partying, but me?
Nope. I had to stay at home, sulking in my misery. Call me dramatic. I am.
I'm sick and tired of the way people think they don't affect me. I say they don't, but truth is, they do, and every word they harshly spat at me, seeps deep down and eats at my confidence.
It ears at me.
Just then I hear voices outside my dorm. It's currently 3:55, and they should've been home at least four hours ago. Then, three drunk kids crash through the door. I put my hands behind my back, just in case.
"Heyyyya Lexxxxxi~" John purrs from the door trim. Herc and Laf push through him, causing him to face plant on the floor. I chuckle at his antics. I walk over to him, and drag him to his bed. Quite a heavy guy.
He rubs his head as his head rests on the pillow.
Tears are still cascading down my cheeks, as he shifts to find a comfortable spot. Laf and Herc wobble to their side of the large four person dorm.
I wipe my eyes rapidly making Ng sure John didn't see the gauze.
"Y'know, I have been keeping a secret from you, Alex," he said, almost soberly.
"And what might that be?" I ask, my voice cracking slightly due to my previous crying.
"Are you okay, Lex?" He asks. I. Is my head. But he doesn't buy it. Even drunk John is an emotion reader. Awesome. Wow.
"Alex, what's up...?' he asks, his voice hinted with concern. I shake my head, and fold my arms in my lap. Biting my lip so hard, it bleeds. I let the taste of the blood sink in my tounge. He looked down, and suddenly became sober again.
"Alex..." He says, his tone serious. I look up at him, which he is now standing over me, staring at the bloody gauze. Freshly cut arms. How delightful.
"What is the gauze for...?" He asked, cautiously, by his voice. I bit my lip again.
I shoved my am at him, telling him to unwrap it with my eyes. He slowly places his delicate fingers on the wrapping, and slips it around and off.
He gasped at the fifteen slashes on each arm. He falls to his knees.
"Are these fresh..?" He asks, his voice also crackig as if he was going to cry.
I nod. He lets out a sob.
"Why would you care..?" I mutter. He stops and gives me a surprised look.
"Because, Alexander, you don't just see somebody who you've known and loved for two years cutting and just stand there and do nothing." He says, his brows furrowed in frustration.
My eyes go wide as I revise his sentences in my mind.
"W-what..?" I ask, subtly.
His eyes go wide, and he sits on his bed.
"Might as well tell you now.." I hear him mutter.
"Lex, I've kinda had a thing for you for two years, ever since we met, and it eventually grew into love, and I thought it was one sided. So I didn't bother asking you out... But I do and will always love you, Alexander, even if you don't reciprocate my feelings." He explains, deeply.
"What?!" I scream, astonished.
"These cuts are for you! I only cut because I thought you didn't like me back! And because of other reasons, but that was the biggest one.." I exclaim.
"You did..?" He says, shocked.
I nod frantically. He tackles me, making sure not hit my cuts, and laughs, while crying.
" Oh my God, you love me abck! You love me back!" He says, joyfully. I laugh too. He then sits up, but is still on top of me, and takes my wrist and kisses every slash there is
After he planted thirty kisses on my arms, he looks at me with his green eyes. He slowly leans in and closes the gap in between us, slowly and softly kissing me.
His lips coiled over mine, and moved in sync with mine. My hand found its way to snake up to John's nape of his neck, and rest. His hand cradled my face, and his fingers softly tangled my hair.
We slowly broke away to breathe. And it was the best 34.2 seconds of my life. He puts his forehead against mine.
"God you're a good kisser," I say, laughing. He chuckled.
"You're not to bad yourself," he remarks. We both laugh heartily. He then slouched beside me and sooner me, close to his chest. Did I tell you that we fell asleep with one another?
Well, we fell asleep with one another, happily, might I add.
1070 words, not counting this A.N, but yeah. I wrote this at 3:55 A.M in the U.S, so yeah... I hoped you liked it, tell me if I should make these this long or shorter a tad bit. Thanks for reading as always, and please comment, vote, follow, and , above all, REQUEST!!
-Love-Lams 😘😘😘
