Also known as the bee man, Bert had it all: a beautiful wife, two loving children, and a nice little lakeside house in Lake Michigan.
The weather wasn't perfect that day, and perhaps that is why he blasted off in his pants.
The diarrhea oozed out, causing him to leave his house at 2530 Hawkeye Ln. to go buy new underwear.
On his way out the door, he saw a gay man skating around on the sidewalk in front of his house. He was on roller skates. Besides that, he was wearing a tiny black bikini. The G-string he was wearing showed off his tanned little rump and Bert glanced down at his bulge. It was huge. Bert was no homosexual but did feel overwhelmed by the little Latino man.
"Hi, my name is Oswell, Daren Oswell," the gay skater said. "I'm your new neighbor."
"Very direct, aren't you?" Bert said.
"I worked in the circus for fifteen years." He reached into his bag, which he had laid on the grass.
"Here, have some bumble gum."
Bert was trying to hide his diarrhea problem.
"Ugh, not right now. Is that okay, friend?"
"I'm just going to skate around for twenty or so more minutes," Oswell said.
"You sure do look good in that black bikini."
"Thank you," Oswell said. "I wore this same bikini when I and my friends were down in Miami. One of my friends was singing a Mariah Carey song."
"Sounds like you guys were having fun."
"Oh yeah, the weather was beautiful," Oswell said. "Like I said, I had this black bikini on and I was spinning around on my skates like Juliette Lewis in 'Strange Days'."
"That looks good on you, my friend."
"Thank you. I try to keep a trim figure and a slim waist line."
"What you got going on today?"
"I'm going to skate up to the grocery store," Oswell said. "I got to pick up some meat."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I'm on a ketogenic diet."
"That is great!"
"Yeah, lot of girls tell me I look good."
"You look fantastic, my friend. You got a great butt, and a great body."
"Thank you. Are you a homosexual?"
"Me? Nah. I ain't no homo."
"Well, just let me know."
"Okay, sounds great, neighbor."
He skated off, spun around.
"Call me. Times are changing."
Bert smiled.
It was evening by the time Bert got all his errands done. He washed his dog Benny, did his laundry, and headed to the punk rock place up the hill called the V-room. He sat down at a table. There were a couple behind him vaping. He could hear one of them talking about surveillance.
"Hey man, they got us all under control," a man said. "Nowadays it's all about the 'eyes in the sky.'"
A lady came up to him and sat at a chair at the table, gave him a 'hey, you want a bj' kind of look.
"What you having there?" the lady said.
All went well until Oswell came in on his roller skates. Then the lady left with her boyfriend. Now that's want I call a cock-block, Bert thought, always impressed by this Oswell guy.
"Yo, here I am, guys. Oswell has a nice butt. Check me out," Oswell said. "You like my butt, sir?"
A gentlemen was sitting with his lady. She had her head shaved and was wearing a 'Misfits' shirt.
The guy didn't take too well to Oswell's little comment, and if it weren't for the bartender telling him Oswell had to leave, Oswell would probably have ended up in hospital that night.
As he was being escorted out, he saw Bert sitting there drinking a can of Miller Lite.
"Hey, honey," Oswell said.
Bert turned around, but Oswell was now being picked up by two men and driven out of V-room.
