➵ His Soccer Princess | ✔︎

Chapter 43

Since we came here, I hadn't seen Cody sad. I still would've gone this though all this shit, I still would've come - even if I knew this were to happen- I'd still come if I knew Cody would love it. It was our escape. It was the best thing that had happened to him, I could see it in his eyes. And it was for me too. It was the best thing that happened to me too. And I was glad I fucking agreed- even if it was hesitant.

Even Aaron couldn't have made this experience less fun, because it made Cody happy, it made my brother Cody Allen Baxter over the moon and I would do it all again just to see that he lived without worry and all smiles. Even if I wasn't a ray of sunshine.

Because in the fucking end, I wanted him happy. But now I knew I wanted me happy too. I wanted us to finally be happy. I, personally, thought we deserved that much. We've been through hell and back- was happiness too much to ask for? Ew, what the bloody hell, how many times have I thought about the word "happy"? Maybe content is a better word. Or satisfied.

Cody looked at me, shocked. My tear stained face was able to be seen by his orbs. I'd gone and done it, hadn't I? I'd never cried in front of this ogre because let's face it, I would never live it down because that's the kind of person Cody was.

He grabbed me into one of those merciless brother hugs and I just sobbed quietly into his shoulder. Hiccuping, as my tears stained one of his favourite shirts. I was going to be ashamed of this when I was stable, but my mind was too busy trying to get rid of the nights back in England. Trying to be rid of all those things I'd tried to outrun. Well at least I knew that no matter how fast I'd run, my past would always be able to catch up with me.

"I can't do this Cody. I've been on a low for so long, when I came here, I was sort of happy. Now this happened, and I'm remembering everything I've been through."

I stopped, and then humourlessly began laughing, tears endlessly running down my pristine face. My chest hurt and the way I was crying I had never cried before. It would make me suck in air and then my stomach would deflate, making me feel like I was malnourished. It hurt my insides as I heavily hiccuped painfully. It made talking a lot harder and my breathes were becoming laboured.

"Cody, I've been drowning for so fucking long I forgot how to breathe. How long do I have to go on for? I want to be fucking happy, is that too much to ask for?"

I was endlessly ranting to him and he silently held me, as I took out all my angry tears. That's the funniest part I guess. And the saddest part? He didn't know shit about Ron. He didn't know how badly he treated me. All those fucked up nights after my night shifts, the no food and the abuse and the torture. He was oblivious to it all.

But I didn't care at the time. I just wanted him to be happy. I still wanted him to be happy. But now I knew, I've learnt, I wanted to be happy too. And I deserved to be happy, no mater what anyone thought. Even if that someone was Aaron fucking Grey.

I didn't know if this was my lowest point, but I was losing my grip on reality. And that was my biggest fear. Not losing to life- just losing control. Control that I had over my emotions and my thoughts. I wasn't a control freak- I just didn't want my hands to slip off the last handle I was clinging onto with every atom in me.

When I was walking through the mall with the boys, I thought that was my biggest fear. Losing the challenge life set me. But it wasn't about that. It was about losing control of me and being able to do nothing. I was wrong this whole time. It's true what they say, no one knows everything about you. Not even you.

My worlds inside were either crumbling or all gone. But when I came here, slowly, they started repairing. They started healing. They took time, sure, but they started making amends. Slowly. Steadily. And now Alyssa just had to come and talk a load of fucking shit. Now those worlds were shattering into a million pieces and scattering themselves across the vast amount of oceans in my life.