You Stole My Heart With Your Diamond Blue Eyes (Kellic)

Chapter 29

 sORRY FOR THE WAIT AND SORRY IT’S SORTA SHORT BUT I’LL TRY TO UPDATE TOMORROW

warning: triggering thoughts

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[Kellin's POV]

When I awoke from my not so peaceful slumber, the first thing I felt was pain. The pain reminded me of what happened to me last night, and in no time I was in tears. I cried not only because I was raped, but because of who I was raped by. My own fucking Uncle, like how worthless do you have to be for your own Uncle to fucking rape you. I still couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe it either. I wanted this all to be over with.

After a few moments of just lying there wallowing in my self-pity, I decided to get up and walk back to the hotel. I need someone, and I know Vic will be the one who will give me the support I need at the moment, even if I was mad at him earlier, I’m not mad anymore. If anything I wish I wouldn’t have stormed off like an asshole. This is all my fault, I told myself, because, well, it was true. If I wouldn’t have over reacted and stormed off, none of this would have even happened.

The thought of it brought tears to my eyes, which I wiped away furiously. I wanted to be numb again, I was tired of crying and feeling pathetic. I want to feel nothing.

It was just me, myself, and my thoughts with me as I limped down the street to the hotel, still sore from yesterday. Basically a constant reminder of what happened, great.

With a few more self-degrading thoughts and tears later, I was finally at the hotel. I hobbled to the elevator, pushing the appropriate button, then hobbled to our room.

Pulling the key out of my pocket, I walked into the air conditioned room to find a sleeping Vic bundled up in the covers, sleeping safe and sound. The sight made me smile the slightest bit for the first time in twelve hours.

Standing there I debated the best way to get into the bed without disturbing him, so after I took a shower and got changed, ridding all the dirt from last night, then I crawled up onto the couch so I didn’t wake him.

I lied there and tried to fall asleep, but my thoughts were racing and I couldn’t will myself to dose off. I just felt hopeless, like the whole world was crashing around me and no one was on my side anymore. I felt violated, used, hated, worthless, and I hated it. I wanted it all to stop, but it wouldn’t. It’s like I had no control over my thoughts anymore, they were running wild and I couldn’t stop them. I choked back a sob and cried to myself silently, wishing for nothing more than death. It was almost disappointing that I felt this way, I mean I’ve come so far from the beginning of the year, I was doing so well. And then something like this happens to set me right back to square one. I haven’t craved dying in months, but now it’s the only on my mind. I didn’t have the desire to cut in months either, but there’s now this itch at them back of my mind saying to do it.

Everything was wrong, reversed if you will. All of my previous efforts to recover have went out the window, and nothing else matters anymore but how I can kill myself.

I would never tell Vic any of this though, I’m afraid I’ll make him mad or scare him away. Hell, I’m even starting to scare myself a little bit. My mind is such a morbid, dark place at the moment, and it’s shocking yet terrifying to myself because I haven’t felt this way in months. I don’t want to go back to the way I was, but I feel as if part of me knows that it was destined to be like this. I was always destined to be depressed and unhappy with my life, it’s just the cards that I was dealt, and there’s no changing it, so why even try? What’s the point of trying to reverse destiny? You can’t, it’s impossible.

At this point I was just rambling to myself, letting my mind wonder from each hopeless crack in my mind to another, filling my head with depressing thoughts, making my depressed state even worse.

Vic was up now, but I didn’t know it until he tapped on my shoulder. I must’ve been too caught up in my thoughts to hear him. I turned around, not even bothering to wipe away my tears because he would’ve noticed anyways.

I looked up at him with bloody shot eyes, barely audible. “Hi.”

“What’s wrong babe? Why’re crying? And what happened to your cheek?” He replied in a worried voice.

The questions made me cry harder than I already was. Being asked that was like being smacked in the face with everything that was currently wrong again, and I couldn’t help but sob.

Once Vic saw my state and how upset I was, he didn’t even say anything, he just scooped me up and carried me back to the bed, laying me down and holding me close, whispering ‘it’s okay,’ while rubbing my back. Although it was a sweet gesture, it just made me more upset, because it wasn’t okay. Nothing is anymore, and I don’t think anything will ever be remotely okay.

“I want t-to die.” I choked out. I didn’t even care anymore, I need to get this off my chest.

“What happened to make you feel like this Kell?” Vic asked, pulling me back to hold me by the shoulders arm’s length apart.

“My Un-ncle.”

“What about him.” He urged, eyes blazing.

I paused, and held back the tears to speak. “He raped me.”

Vic’s face went to one of confusion, shock, anger, and then sadness in a matter of five seconds. I was still holding back the tears, not wanting to cry anymore.

“Kells.” Vic said softly, pulling me in again to hold me against his chest. I lost it again and started sobbing even harder than before.

I can’t think of anything else that sounds more appealing than dying right now, even in Vic’s arms I don’t feel one ounce of happiness or comfort like I usually do. And that scares me. Deeply.