Always Is Not Forever (Breaking Myself - Part II)

13. The One Where I Cut

She tried to push me far away from her and pressed her hand against me to disarm me.

"Alina!" I shouted. "Get up!"

Her eyes opened as she gasped, and instantly, stood up on the bed. Her hair falling on her face, sticking to her skin as she panted, clutching her stomach tightly under her grip.

I tried to step forward, but she stepped back, pressing her legs to the headboard.

"Where am I?" Like a lost person, she gazed around the room, taking in her clothes and books and I gave her a minute to process she wasn't in any dream as she scratched her arms, trying to remove something.

"Bookworm."

"Don't!" She whipped her head to my direction. "Don't come near me. Stay where you are."

Her eyes wild, her breath hard, her hands shook.

My heart cracked a bit seeing her condition.

"I won't hurt you." I put my hands in the air. "I won't hurt you. Okay? Let me help you."

"No!" She screamed, covering her ears with her hands. "Stay where you are! Don't you understand! I said don't come near me. I hate it! Touch me and I will scream!" I was your boyfriend, Alina. Will you scream if I touch you? "I-I-" Her eyes seemed lost as she desperately looked for something. "Remove. Clean."

And she jumped out of the bed, running to her bathroom and shut the door with a bang.

Torn apart, I sat on the edge of the bed. What should I do? I wasn't a doctor. I didn't know how to comfort someone when they had a nightmare so terrifying. I had held her before, but she wasn't this scared at that moment. She wasn't even letting me touch her or comfort her.

She threatened to scream if I went near her.

Cupping my mouth, I closed my eyes, beating my leg against the floor, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom, but all I heard was the sound of running water.

Shower.

At this hour?

Had she gone mad?

Worried, I stood outside the bathroom and knocked on the door. She didn't answer.

"Alina!" I called her. "Bookworm!"

She didn't answer back.

Should I enter or leave her like this? But she would catch a cold and she wasn't replying. What if she had cut herself again? What if she bled to death in the bathroom while I stayed outside too scared to enter?

"Alina, answer or I'm coming in."

No answer.

Fuck it. I opened the door and entered to not scare her further. Her empty eyes met mine, her clothed body drenching under the shower, her hands rubbing her arm, scratching and scrubbing.

"It's not removing," She mumbled. "She said it would remove soon, but it's not removing. I told her that he told me I would always remember him, that nobody could remove him from me. She didn't listen."

Quickly, I caught the towel from the cabinet and turned off the shower, wrapping her wet body. Bending on the floor, I stared at her emotionless face.

"He was here. Both of them were." I caught her face, embracing it to my chest but she said nothing, acted nothing.

She didn't even scream.

She just sat.

"I'm here. You're safe."

"He said the same."

"Bookworm, I need you back," I whispered in her ears, calming the wilderness going inside her head. How many times I had that? Calm from outside, but the mind screaming and scratching its claws until I screamed in frustration, breaking everything in my vision and bled. "Kabir needs you back."

She took a deep breath. "He won't come?"

"No, he won't," I chanted. "Nobody will come to hurt you."

"But I saw him. He said I will never be free."

"He lied." Closing my eyes, I tried to control my emotions. Her hands clutched my nightshirt tightly under her grasp. The water on the tiles irritated my knees, soaking them. "You're free."

"What if you're lying?"

"Why would I lie to you bookworm?" I pushed her wet hair from her face to look at her pale face void of any redness I was accustomed to seeing lately. She was getting healthy, no more the pale and tired girl but it felt like I was seeing the old Alina, silent and angry. "Why would I lie to you?"

"You won't?" She tried to see the lie in my eyes. "Why he forced me again and again? I said no. I did. Nobody taught me anything about bad touch. I thought he loved me. I used to admire him. It's hurting physically, every corner, every part." I gulped loudly. Leave her and scurry out of here Kabir. You couldn't handle it, but I stayed there, letting her speak to me as if it would solve every turmoil.

But what to do about the anger rising in me? What to do when I was feeling to smash something when she said physical? How would I handle the anger without scaring her?

"You won't force me, right?"

"I will never do that," I answered, hoping to clear the pain in her voice.

"He said such a disgusting thing." Her eyes glazed. "How could he? I was just a child. How could he say such a disgusting thing? What wrong had I done to him?"

"What he said?" I prepared myself for the worst, but she shook her head.

"Not something you should know."

"Alina-"

"Call me bookworm!" She raised her voice.

"Bookworm, what he said?"

She shook her head against my chest. "Something bad. Not something a child should hear."

My muscles tensed as I reviewed things that could be considered wrong if spoken to a child. She was right. I didn't want to hear what he said because I didn't have the strength to handle it. There were some lines I had to draw up to protect my own self and this was that line. No matter how selfish it was, I couldn't do it, hurt myself in the way I couldn't come back from.

Tears dripped down the edges of her eyes as she started screaming into my chest, crying and trembling within my arms.

People are scared of me.

My nightmares are nasty.

Don't leave me because of my screams.

Don't get scared.

___________

I'm supposed to be sad, but I'm kind of annoyed. Yesterday, I had my PTM, and my class teacher was like I am disappointed at me even after scoring highest in three subjects. Like literally, I was fuming. What the hell do you expect from me? Now to shut her off, I'm giving full syllabus test, and tomorrow I've one, and damn, I am tired of giving exams!

Huh, teachers.

I'm so happy school is ending.

Now back to the chapter, Alina stop making me feel confused. In one book, you make me all happy, and in another, you make me cry.