Always Is Not Forever (Breaking Myself - Part II)

13. The One Where I Cut

"I love you," His voice vibrated in my collarbone. "My bookworm."

"Don't be so nice," I sobbed. "Please. It's hurting me."

"I'm doing what I am supposed to do. Didn't you say me to love you?" I caught the edge of the slab within my hands. "I'm here."

And that was hurting me. I couldn't believe that someone would stay for me. Why was it so hard for me to accept I could be loved? Why couldn't I digest the fact that maybe I wasn't that broken?

Why was it hurting so much today?

"It's hurting so much," I cried. "Stop it, please. I can't handle it."

"What's hurting?" He asked, turning me around to face him.

"You." I stared at his redshirt, hoping it would distract me to not see in his eyes. "Why you love me so much? Why aren't you leaving me?"

"Why would I leave you?" He chuckled. "I don't have any reason to not love you."

"You have." Inching my gaze up, I faced him, saw the concern residing in his eyes. "I'm sick."

"So?" He smiled. "If someone gets sick, we leave them? That's a shitty explanation. What if I'm sick, will you leave me?"

"Kabir, it's not that easy."

"Yes, it is." He brought his hand to my face. "So what, Alina? I can't leave you for this reason either I'm letting you leave me. You're tied to me." He tugged at my hand. "Terrace. You need air. We can talk about you leaving me some other day. I've to go to work."

"Sandwiches?" I mumbled, gazing at the cut vegetables and the knife placed far away from me.

"You go and place the chairs. I'll join you in a minute." Reluctantly, I passed out of the kitchen, working towards the balcony and placed the black chairs between the grass.

Why couldn't he listen to me once? Why couldn't I listen to him once and realize he was saying the truth? What if I was sick? Why couldn't I feel loved and be happy with him?

As he came to the terrace, he placed the plate in my lap, grinning. Why did he smile so much? If I would be at his place, I would've crumbled by now.

Silently, I ate the sandwich as no words exchanged between us. I could feel his gaze burning at the side of my head as I let my gaze peer through the lush grass and the tall buildings settled in front of me.

The air brushed against my face, but the knots tied at each muscle and joints, squeezing me further into the chair and endeavoring to flee away from him. I was wrong. We shouldn't live together, taking in the fact I was the worst roommate and he missed his college because of me. As I stared down at the empty plate, the guilt gnawed at my heart. I was holding him with me.

He deserved better.

I wasn't better.

I could never be better, no matter how much I try.

"I need to go," He said from beside me. "Bookworm." Twisting my head, I peered at him. "Take care, and stop those thoughts we need to break up." He stood up and bent in front of me. "You told me to not back down, don't you dare back down. It'll pass away, okay? Just give it time." Leaning up, he kissed my forehead. I shut my eyes tightly. "Divert your mind. It helps."

I nodded.

He was right. It would pass away. It always did.

I had to divert my mind to something else.

"Promise me you won't go to the kitchen?" His worry chilled me.

"I promise." Sighing, he stood up and went to get ready while I stared at the distance, glanced at the sky meeting the land, felt the birds flying in it, the crazy flight.