Change My Mind

Chapter 41 - Blurred Memories

Lily's POV

I wake up with nausea and a pounding headache. I open one eye, attempting to adjust to the bright light coming from the window. I feel a weight on my chest and I look down to see Harry snuggled up into me, his head resting into the crook of my neck.

It's weird how last night, I was the one cuddling up into him because I needed him, and now, he's the one holding onto me tightly, like he's afraid to let go.

Last night is a blur but I wasn't drunk enough to forget. I remember. I remember everything. I remember blurting out every hurtful thing he's done to me, the words coming out on its own will. I remember telling him that I still love him, and I'm still deciding whether I regret telling him that or not.

I remember asking him if he still loved me. I've been desperate to hear him say that he still loves me, I had to know. Whether he did or not, I had to know.

And he did. He still loves me. He said he's never stopped loving me.

So then why does he say that he's moved on? Why has he found himself another girl? If he never stopped loving me then why is he doing all of these things to show me otherwise?

My headache gets stronger and I have to shut my eyes tightly, hoping that it'll help. It doesn't.

I look back down at Harry. He looks so peaceful. There are bags under his eyes, worse than mine. I'm able to cover mine up with makeup but Harry's is in clear view. However, right now, he looks peaceful, like it's the first time he's been able to get good sleep in a long time.

Just like I did.

I want to stay here and just watch him sleep and wait for him to wake up. But then I start scolding myself thinking that things are normal again.

Things between Harry and I are slightly getting better but it's never going to be the same again, even if we decided to just be friends. I can't have high hopes and expectations with whatever is going to happen between the two of us.

I know that we decided that we were going to talk today but without the alcohol to lock away my inhibitions, my anxiety grows at the thought of talking to Harry about last night, about right now and about the future.

I can't. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that was said last night. He said he still loves me and he listed every single thing that he loves about me. And when he did, I found my heart slowly inching its way back to Harry's.

But then I remember that he's not mine anymore. He has someone else.

I don't know why I asked him what he loved about me but I think it's because I've started to lose hope in love. I always find myself falling in too deep and then it's just thrown back in my face. I started to think that I was incapable of having someone love me back, that there was nothing about me that people can love. I started to think that there was nothing about me that keeps people interested, that people get bored of me and end up having to find someone else to love. That's why I accused Harry of finding a tall, beautiful model like Ivana because I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't perfect enough to make him stay.

But I found myself finding hope again. I started to feel like I was capable of having love returned to me. Harry listed things about me that I didn't even think was a reason to be in love with someone. It was those little things that made me believe that Harry did actually love me. I always thought he did but it's those times that he shows me otherwise that I second-guess myself.

And then I remember that we kissed. More than once. I'm disappointed in myself for kissing Harry. I was the one that initiated all but one of the kisses. I told myself that I would never kiss someone who I knew was in a relationship. I knew he was still with Ivana and I still kissed him. I'm not going to blame the alcohol because I still had a mind to know when something is wrong and reckless.