Change My Mind

Chapter 133 - Promise

Lily's POV

"Did you want more?"

I look over at Harry as he holds out the container of Chinese food. We had decided to just stay in and order takeout instead of going out, knowing that the both of us were tired and lazy.

I give him a smile and shake my head. "No, thank you. I'm full."

He places the container on the coffee table and moves to sit closer to me on the floor of the living room where we decided to eat.

"Are you okay?" he asks. "You've been kinda quiet."

I look up at him and see his eyes carefully watching mine. I didn't think he would notice that I've been zoning out while we ate, even when he would try to make conversation with me. I know that what he said to me during my breakdown was reassuring but I still feel a little bit of guilt inside of me that I can't seem to shake off.

I force a smile on my face and nod. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired."

My gaze falters when I see his eyes searching mine, knowing that he's reading me. Even without looking into my eyes, I know that he'll be able to read me like an open book.

"I know there's something else bothering you. Even when you're tired, you're not this quiet."

I sigh and meet his gaze, knowing that I can't ever hide anything from him. "I...I guess I just haven't forgiven myself yet for what I did to you. You may have forgiven me but I can't seem do that for myself. I...I don't know if I ever can. I hurt you, Harry. I intentionally hurt you. I promised I would never do that."

He sighs as he pulls me closer to him, resting his arm on the couch behind us and brushing his fingers through my hair. "Look, I know that we both wish that we can take those five weeks back but we can't. Yes, I was hurt but I would rather it be me than you. Eventually, I understood why you wanted to take a break. I actually went to my mum that night and she was able to reassure me that it may actually have been good for us, or at least better. I would do anything to stop you from getting hurt. If that meant that we had to take a break then I would accept it. You don't need to feel guilty about it, at least anymore. It's over now. We're here, right now. I want you here, too."

He must realize that I'm not fully myself right now. With the crazy week I had for school and with the entire break, and now these past couple of hours with Harry, it's been difficult to go back to my normal self. I haven't been myself since the break started. As I come to this realization, I realize something else.

"I'm happiest when I'm being myself and I'm myself when I'm with you," I recite out loud.

Harry had said this to me when he confessed every single reason why he was in love with me that night of Perrie's birthday party.

I realize now that I haven't been myself because Harry and I were apart and we didn't speak to each other for five weeks. As I come to this, I feel the power behind it. I never realized that I would lose myself if I'm not with Harry, at least for a long period of time.

I realize that I was never truly myself, never truly happy during these past five weeks. The only time I think I came close to it was when I picked up Luna from the shelter. Even then, I wasn't fully happy because I should've been doing that with Harry.

There's some fear that comes with this realization, the fact that if I'm away from Harry, I lose a part of myself. Shouldn't that be a bad thing, that my happiness depends on being with Harry?

Others would be afraid of that dependence but I realize that I'm not. I realize that I can let that be my guide to finally be myself again now that Harry's here.