234's Lifelines

Jonghyun

Warning: The post  below contains extensive discussion of mental health issues that may be triggering.

All day I've been a mess asking various questions like why? I've been trying to process this...Trying to make sense of this and I can't and seeing how lost I am I can only imagine what his family and loved ones are going through. That smile that lit up a room, the wise words that strengthened shawols, the skills that touched our hearts...you mean to tell me I won't see them anymore? You mean to tell me I can only look back at memories? Past videos? Please please please show love. You truly never know the full story of ones internal battles. Your I love you might be what helps someone. Your are you okay? Might make that difference.  Please if you're out there and you're in pain. Find someone to talk to. Get help, write, read, paint. Seek and get professional help, talk to someone. 

While in high school I started writing as a means of coping with things going on in my life. I loved writing creating that new world that was and is different from the real world I had to face daily. A world where I had the final say. A world where I had control over. Through reading, writing, watching Bollywood movies, Korean dramas, painting and drawing I was able to find a way to make sense of my emotions and gradually get better. With the help of Christ I found a different kind of peace. Am I fully better now? No but I know that I am in a better place than I was years back. That with each day that passes I become better, I heal.

 So many people ask me why do you write? I write to that through my words I touch my heart and touch others. That my words let everyone including myself know you are not alone. To bring a smile to not just your faces and lips but to mine. To not only help you escape into a beautiful world but to do the same to me. Today we lost Jonghyun from Shinee to suicide and I'm reminded of these reasons. 

When I first got into SHINee I loved Minho and then Key but what drew me to Jonghyun was how He always had peoples backs. Those bullied, those in pain, those hurting. He used his voice not just through music but on his various platforms to spread love to help lessen the pain of others to help us in the world understand and see from the perspective of the hurt. And so I fell in love with him and SHINee as a whole. 

His lyrics, his words, his advice, his smile, his beats brought me and so many joy, love and relief yet the one who sought to lessen the pain of others telling those who had it hard to breathe could not lessen his own pain. It hurts knowing I couldn't do anything. It hurts knowing he left us this way. It hurts knowing he felt it was the only way out. 

Please please and please if you are depressed, sad or having thoughts of giving up don't. It might seem hard now, like the world is against you. Like it's been so long and things are not looking bright but don't give up. The joy comes in the morning and it will find you. Speak to someone, don't be ashamed to. It doesn't make you weak. Don't think you're bothering us even if it's a stranger. Cry out for help. Tell that friend, that stranger, tell that teacher, that policeman, your mother, your brother, tell God. Get help. That friend you see smiling might be in more pain than you can ever imagine. Always ask people how they are, spread kindness, spread love.  I'm still in a state of shock, sadness, pain and much more but I hope shawols all around get this virtual hug I'm sending. 

Jonghyun you were and are loved. Thank you for the time you shared with us. For the words of encouragement, the music, the love... For shining your light on us. You'll be greatly greatly greatly missed.

You've worked hard. You really went through a lot.

Always in my heart

-A