33:All On My Own 2

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When it's no longer a plain colour, and she explodes a full spectrum.
When the colours dance on the surface of the water.
When the waves go from wild to steady.
The world becomes nothing but a silhouette.
Black against the background painted by none other than her, the sun.
It's only then when you can write on the sky.
Words that you are too scared to say.
Drawings that will never fade away.
Etched in your mind like delicate embroidery.
Words of love and hate and pain. Meanings that have gone disdain.
In hopes that everything will not wane and fray.


Another chirp. I checked my phone quicker than I thought I would. Maybe it was an impulse and maybe I was eager to know what she wanted to say.

Hello son,

I know it's too early to ask but believe me when I say I'm dying to hear from you.

I really hope you're seeing my emails at least. I don't think apologies would really mean much. I've always taught you that actions speak louder than words, and believe me I'm trying.

Please I just need a chance to talk to you and see you at least one more time.

Love, mom.

I hit the reply button.

I looked at the blank page. The writing cursor blinking ironically, mocking me.

I started typing...


I hate my life.

Nothing ever goes right for more than five minutes.

My room has become a mess in less than five minutes.

I threw everything. Blankets flew everywhere, pillows on the ground, and I shoved my arm across my shelf, knocking everything that was on it down.

I was boiling with rage and agony once again. I wanted to kill her.

In a snap of finger I was at her sorority house.

I knocked the door as if the apocalypse is beginning. Vanessa was the one who opened it and I shoved her angrily aside.

One of the girls was at the stairs in her underwear and she quickly ran upstairs squealing. I went straight to Jane's room and I could feel Vanessa and other girls on my heels. How many people lived here for fuck's sake?

I barged into her room and my hand was around her throat without hesitation. Her lipstick and mirror fell to the ground. I pinned her to the wall, my hand strong and choking her, while her arms were thrashing about and trying to get my hand off.

Vanessa and the other girls tried pulling me away from her amongst waves of annoying high pitched squeals.

My eyes were blaring full force at her and at that moment I wanted her dead.

Eventually the girls managed to get me off of her, but it didn't go down without a struggle.

Jane was coughing relentlessly while Vanessa and a couple other girls were tending to her.

"Are you insane?" Vanessa screamed at me. I didn't answer her.

I turned to the door, the girls standing by it quickly hurried out of the way.

"And just to be clear we're over bitch" I yelled as I headed out.

Well that went well.

Back at the apartment, I noticed something I didn't see before. There was something in the bowl where we- where I keep my keys and wallet. There was an envelope, along with a flash memory.

I opened the envelope and in it was $1000. I gasped at that amount of money. Along with the 100 bills was a note.

It was written in barely understandable handwriting which I immediately recognised as Spencer's.

I'm sorry, first and foremost.

I really am. You have to understand that I had to leave to clear my mind up. I couldn't take it anymore, being alone in my mind. It scared me; the things I thought of.

I had always thought that mom and I were never going to be the same. That I will never leave the people I love no matter what. But I realised it's inevitable that everything good comes to an end. I had to leave Ryder, and I'm sorry.

Jane will take good care for you and I know you're going to be a great father-if you decide to keep the baby. It's not my place to say anything further than that.

I left you enough money in the envelope to help you with the rent. I wouldn't hit you below the belt like that and leave you helpless like Kevin did.

I love you, Ryder, but please understand me? I need some time and I hope we will see each other again.

This is for the best. You have your own life to look out for, and you don't need me dragging you down with me.

Please don't look for me.

Love, Spencer.

I tore it apart. Tore it to shreds. Small tiny pieces. The tiniest I could muster.

Why did you do this Spencer?

I booted up my laptop rapidly and plugged in the flash drive. It had one single video file.

I double clicked and it opened to static, then a hand appeared fixing the camera. Then it was Spencer sitting on the couch with his guitar.

He strummed a few chords as if he's still new to what he was going to play.

I don't love you anymore
I'm much stronger than before
A Perfect ending was never ours
No sweets only sours
Don't string me along
just leave me alone
so I can move on,
all on my own.

Cause all you ever did was hurt me  gave you all my love just for you to turn your back
What was it I ever saw?
I guess you reap what you sow
I'm moving on,
All on my own.

He went from singing to crying and my heart hurt so badly I started crying too. I wanted to touch him through the screen. I wanted to feel him. Smell him. Hear his voice.

I couldn't do this.

How was I going to come back to the apartment and not find him half naked on the couch?

How was I going to come back to the apartment and not smell something he's burning in the kitchen even though he works in a restaurant?

How was I going to come back to the apartment and not find his bits of his clothes here and there?

How was I going to come back to the apartment and not find smell his scent lounging around in the air.

His perfumes and colognes and shampoos and aftershaves. His own smell. His body's scent that drove me wild from a whiff.

His... Lips.

His soft lips and the way he wraps his legs around my waist when he jumps because he's much shorter than I was.

Fuck I miss him.

A/N: sup guys. Tough chapter to write but I managed to write it in less than 24 hours than the last one.

The song 'All on my own' is written by none other than my great friend kaitlyn204_ it would be cool if you check her other poems. Thank you Kait for being a constant support👍.

Anyways more to come soon. Don't forget to vote and comment it makes a sad soul happy.

Expect about 3 chapters left x.

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