Chapter 26

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Top and Tail.

We were sleeping top and tail like how we slept every single day of the vacation.

I wasn't asleep, and by the sound of his breathing, nor was Ryder.

How can I sleep with my mind going miles and hour.

Yin and Yang.

We were Yin  and Yang. We weren't gonna work no matter how I put it.

I loved him. I really did. And I knew, deep down, he kinda loved me too. Even though he didn't say it, but like I said earlier, eyes speak more than we think.

I couldn't process everything that happened tonight. Dad dating a guy. My brother Hunter having an eye on Jack.

Basically the whole damn vacation. The make out sessions Ryder and I had. Movie nights. Couch cuddling. Outings. We were like 2 love birds having a well deserved vacation.

I couldn't help but think, will it all be back to the way it was when go back home? By home I meant the apartment Ryder and I shared. The one room apartment.

Why was the thought of being in a room without Ryder seem so foreign?

The thought of sleeping in a room alone has become a very scary thought.

I tried to blame it on depression.

Linda, my unofficial psychiatrist, said that people with depression are always looking for an anchor. Whether they realise it or not, deeper in their subconscious mind, they want that anchor. Something to keep them attached to life.

Sometimes they find it, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they become their own anchor.

I don't like to think of Ryder as my anchor, but I am aware of my mind anchoring itself through Ryder.

I needed to clear my mind.

"Ryder" I whispered to check if he was still awake.

He didn't reply.

I slipped smoothly out of my bed and as silently as possible. I pulled over some running shorts from my closet and strapped on a pair of Sketchers.

I didn't take anything with me. My keys, my phone, my wallet; all stayed where they were. I needed to be alone, with myself, by myself. My own mind to fight its own battles by its own will.

I was out of the house in a glimpse. Despite the cold snowy weather, and the little clothes I was wearing, I didn't feel the cold not one bit.

I was focused on the running. An attempt to distract my thoughts while trying to figure shit out. Contradictions as ever.

And so I ran, and ran, and ran. Through new streets and familiar streets. Through places I used to play at, places I used to visit, and places I used to hate. I passed through them all, recollecting memories I liked and memories I hated.

The time I slipped and sprained my ankle so bad I couldn't walk for days. The swings Hunter used to take me to every Saturday evening.
The ice cream parlour mom used to take me to but is now closed.
Mom. Someone I loved and still love. Even though she decided to leave us, and she did, I still loved her. I hated her at first, I really did.

I don't know what happened that made me change my mind. Or to be more exact change my heart. Maybe I understood her more now?

I presumed she had depression too. It made sense to me that she did. I understood things more that way.

I too get a strong urge to put everything behind and leave. Leave everything and everyone. Start over and fresh. Start from zero. Try to rebuild my life from scratch. A better life, the way I want it. My shades of colours and not shades I'm forced into.

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