04.17 - c.s

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Going to school on Monday was terrifying, but I forced myself to go. Noora slept over on Saturday night and she had cuddled me the entire time. I was so grateful for a friend like her. I had gotten a lot of worried texts from friends and William had called me, telling me that he made sure to yell at Chris as loudly as possible.

I looked into the mirror in the hallway once more, the big, purple bags under my eyes reached all the way to my cheeks. My eyes were still red from crying and my hair was a mess in the bun I had thrown on top of my head. I let out a shaky sigh before opening the front door, walking over to William's car, since he had offered to drive me.

"Good morning, Elle," he said softly, grabbing my hand and squeezing it a little before grabbing onto his steering wheel again. I smiled at him.

"Isn't Noora driving with us?" I asked. William shook his head.

"She decided to stay at her own place last night, because Eskild and Linn were complaining that she was never home anymore," he explained. I shook my head, smiling at Eskild and Linn. William drove off and not long after, we arrived at the parking lot behind school. I saw Chris and he tried to approach me, but I kept my head down and tried to keep walking.

"We weren't even really dating, Roxelle," he yelled across the courtyard, "we never made anything official."

"No," I yelled back, "I know that, Chris! But that doesn't mean it wasn't real. All the time we spent together, the moments we shared, that was real, wasn't it? Heck, I even took you to America. I let you meet both of my parents and you participated in all of it, acting like it was real!"

He sighed, "look, Roxelle. I warned you about this. I warned you that you might end up hurt. I told you when we started this, there was a huge chance I'd fuck up."

"Yeah, I know," I pressed my hands to my head, sighing deeply before looking him straight in the eye again. "I know what you said and I know what I was getting myself into. But does that give me any less right to express my feelings? Does that mean I should just bottle them up and act like everything's alright? I don't think it does. I think I should be able to tell you how I feel, regardless of what I knew and what I didn't know a couple months back. I think you need to know what it actually does to girls when you cheat on them and throw them away like trash. I don't think you hear it enough. I don't think you realize how you make them feel, and how you destroy their self-image." I ranted.

"That's my nature. That's who I am. And I know that you're one of those girls who thinks she can change everything that sucks in the world and make it right, but you can't. Please just realize that you can't. I am a sucky, shitty person. I know that. I know you feel pity for me right now. A lot of it. But please don't. You tried, okay? You tried to fix me. Turn me into something good, something that's right in this world. But you didn't succeed. And I'm sorry that you have to add me to your list of failed missions, or your list of mistakes. But that's all I am and all I'll ever be to any girl. Even my mother. A mistake." Chris turned around and started to walk away from me.

"Do you really think so?" I yelled after him, my voice no longer harsh, but now sort of soft. My voice made him stop dead in his tracks, but he didn't turn around. "Do you really think I see you as a mistake? That I see you as something that failed in my life? I don't think of people in labels, Chris. I know that's hard for you to imagine, but when I look at you, or anyone else for that matter, I see a living and breathing person. A person with feelings. One with flaws and imperfections. No matter how much you try to hide them, Chris, your flaws are so obvious to me. And guess what? I don't care about them. I don't think of them as 'mistakes' or something disgusting. I think of them as parts of you, of a living and breathing person. One that doesn't deserve to be labeled as anything but that. A living and breathing person. That's why I was with you, Chris. Not to 'fix you', or to make you 'better'. I was with you because I saw what nobody in this entire school seems to notice. I saw a boy who once knew how to love. I saw a boy that learned opening up to me, and I saw how that meant something to both me and him. I saw a boy that loved more than anyone else I'd ever met, but god was he afraid to express it. I saw you, Chris. I saw you for what I know you are. I just hope that one day you can learn to do the same for a girl. See her, for what she is. Love her for her flaws and imperfections. For everything she is and everything she is not. And at that point, when you learn to do that, I hope you feel nothing but complete joy and happiness. Because you deserve that," with that, I turned around and walked off the courtyard, not bothering to glance back at all the students staring at me from behind.