Paul Higgins Daughter

Dear Niall,

Niall POV

I laid in bed, I could not fall asleep; I have so many different emotions that kept me awake. I felt so lost and confused by Peyton, I need her and she needs me but, she just keeps pushing.

Where does she think this helps her? If anything it kills her inside and out and breaks her down. 

Though, can you blame her when the person who has done this is watching your every move?

 She's reacting just like any other person would. Who could blame her?

As I laid in bed with all these thoughts and questions, staring at nothing, but the white ceiling.

•••••••••••••••

Thankfully, today was a break day for us to gather our things together before we leave. The hours rolled by fast and 4 am became 12 o'clock. Hours of silence to think, question, hope, wish, and, dream without any sleep.

*knock knock*

Looking away from the ceiling to my door, I saw Louis's head pop though.

"Hey Ni, this was at the front door this morning. It's from Peyton I think." I don't think I have ever jumped out of bed quicker than today. Scaring Louis as I ripped the object away from him and went to the bed in my room. "Okay Niall, I'll give you some privacy." Louis making a dash out of the room without me acknowledging.

I didn't even pay attention to what object was in my hand, ripping the note off the object that had my name on top in her beautiful cursive writing. Opening up the white notebook paper to see a filled page.

"Dear Niall,

After our, I guess you could call it an argument, though it contained me yelling and you calm as can be. I decided to call it my reality check. I never realized how stubborn I was being till you walked through my door. I was so caught up with my own problems and my own grief to see how bad I was not only hurting you but myself. While locked in the room, it consisted of me crying, if not most of the time. I barely ate food, only getting food during the night to ignore everyone. Worst of all, I'm so sorry for blaming you, for my problems, and for what happened, and just everything I have caused. You saved me, you sat beside me and, protected me the best you could. Though, I attacked you and yelled at you when I should be yelling at Kyle, the person who caused all of this. I'm sorry, please forgive me. Though now on to my Jar. This is the same exact jar we used for our hate jar. Inside, I hope to give some answers to your question and the things that I personally wanna change or do. This isn't my hate jar this is my jar.Love, Peyton"

Placing the letter beside me and slowly opening the jar, taking the first note out.

Why did I hide and block everyone out?
It was easier to hide like a coward than pretend everything was fine.

I never meant to hurt you Ni, and I hate myself for pushing you away

Why do I let him have this kind of control over me?
To a point, I was just so used to the past that it became second nature. Also, it meant not having to confront him on a daily basis if I gave him that power.

I want to be that strong Peyton for you, but I'm so lost that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I was acting selfish and inconsiderate, I never thought once about anyone else's feeling. I was so caught up in my head that I did not see the mess I made.

I'm not gonna apologize for the way I reacted but for the way I treated everyone. I needed space but cause havoc in the process.

You have given me more love than I ever could imagine.

You have in the smallest amount of time barged into my life and turned it all around. Though I'm not complaining.

Do not blame yourself or anyone else for my actions. I did them on my own, not think about what they may cause.

It really hurts the most that my father does not believe. I feel also betrayed by him siding with Kyle. Though, I can't change his mind if he doesn't listen to me.

Most importantly-
Thank you, Niall

I love you