Racing Hearts

In the ~waves~ of change...

But things were not the same between me and Arjun. We were going through an emotional crisis. Supporting me in his shoulders he would take me for small walks in the lawn, but our walks were silent all the time. Both of us were dying inside due to the guilt. That incident shook our lives apart. And we were not ready to talk it out. Every attempt I tried to open up to Arjun, it failed. Initially I myself was crying for hours, days and weeks ; Most of the times I used to shut in my room, never wanting to face anyone. Whenever I was alone I would question God, and blamed him for this disastrous accident, "Why did you punish the little one? Why did you take our kid?". But he never answered my questions. Then I answer myself, if I hadn't asked him to take me out for that night ride ,nothing would've happened. It was my fault..

That was the most difficult phase of our lives. Done with crying ; the tears, the pain, the grief and now it was the period of frustration and depression. It's not only me who was going through all this but also Arjun. His bike keys went to the trash and he wasn't ready to touch his bike again. Both of us needed solace from each other, but we were lost in our mind and soul. After all ,we couldn't be each others support in this struggle. He was called for so many races inbetween, he just ignored them. I was not in a position to convince him too. Only time should decide our fate.

People say,"Time is a healer" and yes it's true, it took a lot of time but slowly I could come out of it. At last I was able to divert my mind towards concentrating back on my work . I really owe a big-time to Abhay. From the day he returned back to India, everything was changing at home . He was bringing back the josh of the house. Though everything was coming back to normalcy , Arjun was not ready to come out of the clutches of his guilt. He was unreasonably worrying and tormenting himself each and every day. He didn't talk much, he spent most of the time at work, our conversations were very little , whenever I tried to speak to him, he asked for some time to recover from it. All I felt was a  vaccum space between us ; it's only the darkness that prevailed in our serene relationship. Hope he gets back to reality soon; Waiting for the day when our love rekindles !!

On that morning , I was sitting idle on the living room couch, got lost in my own reverie , thats when I felt someone caressing my hair, I turned to my side to see maa*(Arjun's mom) sitting by my side.

"Worrying about Arjun, Isn't it? ", she asked holding my hands. Maa knows everything that was going on between me and Arjun.

I nodded my head slightly ;unable to control my emotions, the next moment I collapsed on to her shoulders and bursted into tears. As I sobbed unceasingly, she held me in her embrace and fondled my hair.

"Don't worry Neha, everything is gonna be alright soon ",she affirmed planting a affirming kiss onto my cheeks.

"We have to do something to change him",she said.

"But maa, he is not ready to hear anything.. He is hurting himself by avoiding everyone",I told her.

"Don't worry dear, We'll do something, I'll talk to Arjun's appa about this", she said and pacified me.

After long thoughts, maa announced that some celebration would change the present sad state of our home. Finally Arjun's appa decided to throw up an party to announce about Abhay's wedding and he insisted that Arjun should take care of all the arrangements. We all believed that this would bring him back alive.

Unable to deny his father's orders he accepted to make all the arrangements and started working towards it. And yes, there were little changes in him during this time. We exchanged opinions regarding arrangements. We were all happy to see him getting back to normal.

The day of party finally arrived, Arjun was busy doing all the needful. He seemed very enthusiastic. The eternal smile on his face ; that I longed to see these many days was so precious. Not only that my eyes bloomed ,seeing his gift on my cupboard. He had bought a beautiful saree for me to wear for the party. My lips twitched into a ecstatic curve seeing his surprise. I felt everything changing. Hugging the saree on to my chest, I smiled like an idiot.

After a tiring day at the party, together we sauntered into our room. As he went to change his attire ,I called him, "Arjun... "

He turned back and stood still looking at my eyes questioningly . "Thanks for the gift",I said to him.

"Hmmm",he replied in a mushy voice.

"Arjun, yet you didn't tell me how did I look in your gift today ", I said pouting my lips.

"Hmm nice",he said bluntly without any reactions.

That second I lost all my patience seeing his waywardness. In rage words came out in a flow ,"Arjun, we need to talk ",I announced .

He turned to his front and paced a few steps forward, then I heard his voice, "Neha, please.... I know where you are up-to, let's not talk about this now", he stated.

And today I was completely not in a mood to listen to him, I was losing my control and patience. I snarled at Arjun," Yes Arjun......, Yes I agree we lost our baby.. And yeah if this continues, I'll lose you too ; already you have stopped touching your bike; stopped talking to everyone . ..Dont you realise that you are behaving very strange..? ", I snapped at him.

"Please understand Arjun , I don't want to lose you too...!", I screamed louder this time and broke down into tears. Weakness swept over my knees as cried out . Unable to make a move, I sat down on the carpeted floor crying my heart out.

Seeing my sobs , Arjun ran towards me. He knelt down and sat in front of me. Cupping my chin, he wiped away my tear beads and mumbled," sorry".

Lacing his fingers through my hairlines he spoke, "Am sorry Neha.., but I couldn't come out of it.
It's all my fault and the guilt kills me everyday.. I couldn't be normal... Give me some time please..",he looked at me pleasingly.

But nothing went through my ears, I was on the peak of temper and nothing could stop me from shouting aloud, "TIME .. TIMEE... TIMEEE.... Enough Arjun, it's been months.. and it's not your fault get that in your sick brain pleasee", I yelled at him with free falling tears from my orbs.

Without letting him speak further,I snapped again " Lost is lost Arjun..
If you keep tormenting yourself like this, will it bring back our baby? ",I asked looking at his watery eyes.

"It's after all a miscarriage,  it happens Arjun.. It's not your fault understand that Arjun.. ", I assured him.

"I need you Arjun,
I need your words to strengthen me,
I need your love to relieve myself from the worries ,
I need your solace, I need your love...
I'm nothing without you Arjun.. I need you back as my Arjun ;whom I fell in love with... ",I expressed whatever I felt at that moment.

"I'm sorry ..",he apologized and pulled me forward for a hug. Finally I found my solace ,he wrapped his hands around my back and soothed me with his long fingers. I snuggled onto his chest rubbing all the tears to his shirt. "Sorry, I love you Neha,  I love you!!", he mumbled kissing away the tears from my eyes. I saw him straight into his eyes. His eyes revealed more than his words could express. After so many months I felt being at my place, to where I belong.

That twilight night turned out to be a memorable one. He carried me in bridal style to our bed , let me fall on the mattress with a soft bounce. With his warm lips he started giving me delicate touches. We exchanged our love, which we failed to express in the past few months. His kisses become harder and harder and I was unable to resist myself , with my hands I binded him more tighter. My heart fluttered as he drew me closer to him.
I felt the grace of his lips against mine.
He treasured me in his arms and I smiled. It's him; where I find my solace. Our hearts raced as our tounges entwined in the long passionate kiss . It's not only our breaths that mingled at the moment , we too...

He's the only man on earth for me ,

It's him; where my soul belongs!