Sunflower Seeds

Chapter Twenty🌻

Dear Diary,

I'm completely stuffed from eating Chinese take out. Honestly it's the first meal I've had in a while that I've enjoyed. But now that I'm done eating, I feel like a whale. I know I ate to much, way to much. I can't stop thinking about what Cameron would say if he had seen me eating my weight in rice just a few moments ago.

Cameron. I know I shouldn't be thinking about stuff like that, I know it's stupid. I really and honestly can't help it. It's the first thing that pops in my head and I don't know how to stop it. I think to much usually.

Lena is overly proud that I told Kylie that he should love every bit of me. But, now, I'm wondering why I said that. Which he should, you know, love me for who I am. He should love all of me. Or like it, why did I say love?

Maybe though, I overreact about things a lot. He didn't exactly say I was fat did he? Not exactly. He just said I wasn't skinny. I mean, let's face it, I'm not skinny. But, I'm not fat anymore either.

I want sunflower seeds, but I know Lena will trip if I mention them right now. She would probably force more rice in my mouth. I'm not even hungry it's just I got used to eating them when I'm upset I guess.

I like Cameron. I really do. But, liking someone like this, they shouldn't have you stressed out all the time, right? Honestly, I'm writing this while glancing at my wrist at my charm bracelet. Blake was so sweet for getting me a gift. A gift I love, something I'll remember. But, it didn't work out with Blake for a reason I think. Maybe, Blake and I should just let things go, be friends, and that's it.

Friends. Ugh, Taylor. I miss Taylor. Lena has to miss her to, but she would probably never tell me. We have some great memories, but now I'm thinking we will never have anymore. It bugs me that the last memory I have of Taylor is her being a backstabbing slut. Maybe I should say a slutty liar. How could she say that happened when it didn't? Just because of jealousy? Maybe I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. That bugs me too.

See, I told you, I think way to much.

"Cami! Will you stop writing in that thing and listen for once?" Lena is yelling now, I had no idea she was ever talking though. I'm good at blocking people out sometimes. Oops.

"What did you say?" I laugh a little while I put my diary away before she could ask what I'm writing about.

"I need your opinion, so please pay attention!" Lena finishes by holding up two different shirts in front of her for me to see. On one side was a black dressy tank top, it had a circle cut out in the back, right between where your shoulders would be. The other side held a royal blue blouse with sparkly sequins all over it. I loved the blue color, but I had no clue why she would wear something that looked fancy.

"Uhm, what are you dressing for? Dinner, funeral, wedding..."

"Tonight, dumbass. A party." Lena rolled her eyes and pushed the two shirts closer to my face.

"Well, the black one then. What party though? I thought we was just hanging out tonight?" I didn't want to party really.

"Well, we was going to, but Kylie has plans. Some people she went to high school with are in town and she wanted to get together with them. So, we're having a party. It'll be fun!"

"Ever think we party to much..." I ask quietly knowing Lena will think I'm crazy.

"Come on, are you for real right? We don't. Well we do party a lot, but we're only this age for so long...after we get our community college classes done we're going to have to go to a university. Who knows if it'll even be the same one? One day we're both going to be married and have kids and we won't get to see each other every day."

"Wow. That's pretty deep, bitch." I say with a small laugh, but I knew she was absolutely right. "OK, so are we staying here or going to Kylie's place?"

"Kylie's." Lena smiled at me, thanking me for tagging along once again.

"But if we go to Kiley's, then Cameron is going to be there, and I don't know if I want to talk to him yet." I sound like a scared little girl and I hate it.

"So don't talk to him, man, come on. I know he's an ass hole but you just can't ignore him forever, can you? If he's there ignore him, if he tries to talk to you and you don't want to, tell him. He will leave you alone before he gets embarrassed from rejection in front of people." Lena was saying while already changing into the black top I had suggested.

"Maybe you're right." I told her thinking about it. Cameron does hate rejection. If he bugs me I'll just drop him and let him know.

"Len, best friend, could we possibly get some sunflower seeds before this amazing party?" I ask batting my eyes and being dramatic.

"Sure, if that will make you feel better about it. You're so weird." Lena said while laughing.

"It would make me feel ten times better! You have no idea!" For some reason, I had no idea either. I had no idea why I wanted sunflower seeds all the time. It's not because I've actual food for them right? It's probably just a habit now.

"So, to recap, if you see Cameron tonight, ignore him! Got it?" Lena asked as if it was a test.

My phone buzzes before I could answer her. Cameron. Perfect timing.

Cameron:
Kylie's having a party tonight. Of course you probably already know. I hope I see your beautiful face there!

I lock my phone before I get the urge to text him back and look at Lena. "Ignore him, right. Easiest thing to do." I roll my eyes and fall backwards onto Lena's bed.