lethal //phan

t h i r t y - o n e

Phil
Phil had discovered that dating Dan wasn't all that different from simply being his friend, save the physical aspect of course. They still both laughed at the same bad jokes and a new relationship status didn't change the fact that neither of them favoured Alfie and his friends one bit.

Phil had persuaded Dan to let him tell Tyler, he felt as their biggest shipper he had a right to know.

"What happened to the whole 'anti-label' speech you gave me then?" Tyler asked Phil after he'd told him.

"I'm not against labels, I just don't think they do justice in defining the relationship between two people."

"Actions speak louder than words as the phrase goes." Tyler told him in agreement. "You know, I'm probably happier than you and Dan are about this."

Knowing Tyler, he was probably correct in his assumptions.

They'd both made the decision not to tell anyone but Tyler, neither of them were quite ready to be 'out' publicly - they'd figured Dans sudden personality change had shaken people a little bit as it was.

Phil knew Dan was afraid of all the changes that had occurred in the past few days, he didn't express the emotion aloud - but he never was the type to do things of that manner; Phil had learned Dan preferred people to figure him out rather than him to confess outright. He'd recognised certain mannerisms whenever something was bothering him: he'd drum his fingers on any available surfaces, he'd often cross his arms and stare down at the floor in public. Phil couldn't help but think the changes had knocked his confidence somewhat.

But he himself had his anxieties.

Phil was becoming a little more scared each day as the date got closer to June the twenty-second; what he'd been told by Dodie always seemed to be at the front of his mind nowadays, it was almost an obsession.

He felt as if he was living a lie, being truthful was one of his morals and going against it was starting to drive him mad. The worst thing about the situation was that the person involved just happened to be the one he told everything to.

"Someone's not in a good mood." Louise noted when she saw him sat on one of the benches in the courtyard.

"It shows? What colour am I?"

"Shades of dark blue and black."

He didn't know a great deal about symbolism, though he didn't have to be to know that those particular colours had negative connotations. Sadness, fear, anxiety - black was the colour of all evils to his knowledge. But the last thing Phil wanted to do was to drag Louise into this or scare her.

"I'm a little behind in class and the stress is getting to me, that's all." Phil lied. He felt terrible but he knew it was for the greater good. "Someone's been tutoring me so I'm sure I'll be fine."

He wasn't even sure if stress showed up as that colour, but there wasn't anything he could do about it.

"That why you've been spending so much time with Dodie?"

Phil nodded his head, lying a second time in the space of a minute - he was thankful Shane and Joey weren't anywhere near him. He made a mental note to tell Dodie what he'd just told Louise to lower suspicions.

Telling untruths was wrong - he knew that; all Phil could do was hope Louise couldn't detect his guilt.

***

There was one person Phil knew of that he could talk to who he felt completely understood his problems, if not more than; after all the guy had been forced into their entourage and had been dictated for multiple years.

He'd ended up telling him small details about what Dodie had told him, he'd mentioned that one particular date and that he had a strong feeling Dan had something to do with it as well as he did. Unfortunately Shane didn't know of any plans, he explained that he and Joey were often excluded from those types of conversations.

"Thank you for not telling anyone what I told you last time." Shane told him once they'd found a more secluded spot to sit.

"You're welcome." Phil said in response. "Do you know that Dan knows about what happens within your social circle?"

"I can imagine he has a rough idea. I mean presumably that's why Connor went - he knew too much."

Shane could probably see the wave of panic that came over Phil's face, the last phrase alone was enough to send shivers down his spine - he didn't want to think about it.

"I shouldn't've said that." he put one hand over his face as a result of his idiocy.

To comfort him and tell him it was fine would be a pointless act, he'd know Phil had lied to him.

"Please don't worry, they only got Connor because he told them he knew; you're safe until you confess - but honestly I don't see why you'd do that."

Shane was right, there was no way he'd ever mention it to anyone he didn't trust. Phil hated dishonesty and secrets at the best of times but he wasn't foolish enough to risk his life in order to stand up for his own beliefs.

"If ever I met someone who had the power to erase memories I'd ask them to erase so many of mine, I wouldn't mind forgetting about the entirety my time here." Shane admitted after a brief period of silence.

"You don't have a single good memory of this place?"

"Not enough of them to overpower the bad ones. I stay with four of my friends out of fear that I'd 'vanish' like anyone else who crosses them. I've seen too many things I'd rather not have seen, played a part in things I regret - I'm going to remember these years for all the wrong reasons. I can't imagine that if Alfie sent me away it'd be vastly different from my current life - it's been pretty hellish."

Phil couldn't deny the fact he felt sorry for Shane, it was bad enough knowing of what he had to do; being the one living with all the remorse was unimaginable even in thought.

He decided he'd change the topic of conversation, it was obvious the current one was making the both of them unhappy. "What do you want to do in the future?"

It was a question Phil thought about a lot, so he knew it'd provide a distraction for at least a few minutes.

"I just want to be happy. I want my future to be the farthest thing from the life I live in the present. I want to get as far away from this place as I can afford, move to a small town by the coast, fall in love, start a family and live a normal, fulfilling life. I want to be a really good dad who takes his kids down to the beach at the weekend, who watches their football matches or buys tickets to their dance shows; I want to watch them grow up and know they've had a nice childhood that was absolutely nothing like mine. To summarise: I want others to have everything I didn't. But that's in a perfect world, and the world we live in is far from that."

"Who says your world can't be perfect? You won't be stuck here forever."

"I suppose. I hope things aren't as bad as they seem regarding the twenty-second, I'll do what I can to figure out if anything's going on if it's not too late."

Phil could only hope the same.