120 days of Summer

Day 90

I was alone.
Did you ever had this feeling when you were surrounded by people but still felt alone? You had such amazing people around you, who will do everything for you but the loneliness overcome it? well,that's was what I felt. I had my friends who supported me and wanted to help-Sky, Hannah,Alan,Aaron, Phil and Tino. I felt alone,like I'm going to puke self hate and destruction and tear apart every relationship I had in my life.
This pain accompanied me every single day,hour,minute and second. Even Austin who suggested to help me with collage payment couldn't help and make it better. We had so many arguments about it but at some point he dropped it and probably forgot about it.

Most of my days I was inside the house,reading or just watching TV. I didn't had any contact to the social media since Austin and I went public and my shrink decided that it will be better for me to be as far as possible from too much attention. Austin was busy with band stuff in the mornings and I was alone with no purpose. Sky called me when she could and visited me as much as possible,Hannah was too busy touring with PTV so she had no time for no one except Vic.

Today wasn't different from other days,just me inside the house daydreaming about my useless life. No one called or texted me anymore and things got boring really quickly even though I could call people by myself. To keep bad thoughts away I've decided to listen to some music and forget my troubles. Since Austin had guitar in his room it was my only entertainment, but I didn't know how to play it though. By the days I've got better but I knew I was too far from perfection.

In the past week I learned some easy melodies and today I decided to try something little bit harder. Nothing came into my mind and after ten minutes my head began to hurt and I had to drop it and do something else.
The smell of the ocean was mesmerizing. Why I didn't go to the beach and enjoy the hot days of Cali? I hate the sand but the water is amazing! I love to hear the waves crush into the shore-leaving little sea weeds on the sand. Most of my good memories are from the ocean.

After I've got ready I already knew that I'm going to my special place,where I was going when things was too difficult and I had to think in quiet place. I took the right bus,attaching my forehead to the cold glass of the window. Half hour later I was away from the city,in some abandoned beach that led to my cave that was hidden between the huge stones.
Inside the cave were a mattress that I brought few years ago,some blankets and flashlight.
I crashed on the mattress and the springs made funny noise.
In this place I felt the loneliest but the happiest,and it made no sense because all I could feel was the emptiness in this time.

where r u?I went for a walkcan I join?its too far sorryoh,k if you need a ride just say sothanks

I know that Austin is sick of worrying but sometimes its annoys me so much! I love him and I stopped hurting myself because of him, but we don't need to do everything together.
After couple minutes that I sat alone I felt someone standing behind me and before I could move the parson hit my head. Complete darkness filled my eyes and I couldn't feel anything but pain. Did you ever felt this feeling when you die? when you standing on the edge before the emptiness? that was the feeling I've got before I lost everything and the feeling of disappointment filled my body.