120 days of Summer

Day 38

  Some of the days past realy fast and some of them past so slow that you can go nut's.
I saw Austin once from the day we had the BBQ, Hannah always was with Vic and the others just dissapear in the busy day's and I left alone in my sadness.
Today was an ordinary day-work,work and more work. The last text I've got from Austin was last night,wishing me good-night and nothing more.

The fear that he doesn't love me anymore bit my heart even though I knew that it was bullshit,but I was by myself-drowning in hate,sadness and pain. I wanted to fight but I can't!
Yesterday was the first time I used my razor again, just because the panic rushed all over my head making me scream inside my head.

I woke with pain on my thigts and sore pain inside my head. I decided to dress-up and go and buy myself some coffee,the fresh morning air will make me feel better.
Every second that past the butterflies inside my stomache became more violante and the hunger just dissapear. I wanted to see Austin but he probably partied last night and will sleep almost the all day.

Before leaving the bus I throw on myself black skirt because the pain was intorable and the skirt was puffy and long enough to hide the new scars and make me more comfortable. I took my hoodie and slip into my All-Star shoes.
The minute I left the bus someone called my name and greeted me-"Good morning princess!",I love Alan but it was the worst time to talk to me.
"Go away Ashby,I'm not in the mood",I had such wonderful ways to get rid of someone.
"Relax,I'm not going to ride on this horse,yet",very funny.

Insted off answering him I just turned my back to his face and walked away.
"I was joking! don't take it so serious!",He won't leave me alone,great.
"Fuck off,I want to be alone!", Yep,I've have great sense in conversetions.
I was anoyed for the last three days,he could talk with me earlier!
"Sorry that I want to hang with my friend...",his voice was sad.
"I'm sure you do,just where were you in this last couple days?"
"I was talking with Austin about your relationship,he want you to move into his house. I talked him not to do this,too early for you to handle this stuff...",This fucker!
"You don't know what is good for me!", Alan laughed and took deep breath.
"Can we talk somewhere else?", I could say him to go away but I was too curious to find out what was happening.

I agreed to talk with Alan and we went to buy some coffee and sit in a park that had view on the parking lot. After we bought our caffeine we found a banch and he sat heavily on it. To make my mood worse I put some sad songs,the first was "Heart -shaped box" by Nirvana and Alan just raised his eyebrows with surprise.
"What?"
"Nothing,never could imagine you listening to this kind of music",now was my turn to raise a eyebrow.We sat in silence for more five minutes,sipping our coffee. The sun just started to show up and the time according to my phone was too early even to the birds.
"Talk already! I hate this akward silence", I could see on his face that he was thinking how to start the conversation.
"Like I said before,he want to live with you and I talked him not to because you're not ready and you started to yell,I poused you and now you can continue to scream",well,that's was fast.
"Okey,I'll do it", I took deep breath to think what I want to say-"What the fuck you were thinking! I could handle it by myself! I'm not that fragile!",Alan Just sat there,listening to me screaming.
"I know that you're strong but I was afraid that you'll hurt Austin and it'll affect on our band!", the bomb droped.
"That's what scare's you the most?! well,fuck you! leave me alone and don't try to stop me!", I was yelling with anger,and the few people that were in the park just stared at the poor man who left alone,sitting on the banch.

I was too angry to think straight.With all my rage I walked to OM&M bus and and without knocking I entered and woke up the sleepy people inside.
I opened Austin's bunk courtain and dragged him outside,when he was in only boxers.
"What the hell!", he wasn't mad or something,just sad.
"I need to say it,not you!", my eyes filled with tears.
"I thought you love me...", he interupted me-"but I do love you!", closing my eyes and letting some tears to fall on my cheack.
"Let me finish. If you loved me you'd tell me you wanted to live with me after the warped will end,but you told Alan who made decisions insted of me!", my voice broke.
"If I asked you, would you agree?"
"Yes you ass! but now it's too late,I need some time without you".
I know I did something stupid but it was the right thing to do...