Thank You California.

I've Made Up My Mind

*Colleen's pov*
At this point I'm only in underwear and a tang top. I got Mia to put my hair in a bun. I am sweating so much. The contractions are getting much closer together and my heart is beating so fast. I am trying to remember Becky for the most part. She was always positive about everything. She made a bad a miserable day turn into a not so bad one. She always told me, "live everyday of your life like it's your last, because one day it will be." and today is that day for me. I was honestly surprised when Joshua arrived. I thought of Becky then too. Her boyfriend never gave up on her. That's the reason she is alive today. She had real love and support. I had real love and support from Joshua before I decided to push him away. i am the reason I might not make it. He tried everything humanly possible to win me back and make sure I was okay when in reality I don't deserve it. After all I've put everyone in my life through, I do deserve to die. I'v been so negative before. And I've changed now. But it's to late. I am sweating and breathing heavy not controlling my body at all. Then I remember word for word what Becky said to me, "he never gave up on me," meaning her boyfriend Daren, "and Josh never gave up on you. Let him help you." she had pleaded. "but I can't.... I don't want to see him get hurt. Rules these days are way worse than what they used to be." I told her. She just nodded. "do what your heart tells you to, darling." She whispered. I remembered it so clearly now. The way she looked when she told me about her secret dead husband. 'Do what your heart tells you to, darling.' kept repeating and ringing her lovely voice in my head. "Joshua?" I ask my voice very weak from screaming in pain. He looks over to me from the stair case. He comes over and kneels down on the ground next to the couch I'm laying on. I rub his cheek not saying anything. "oh Joshua." I whisper so quietly. "What is it Colleen?" he asks concerned. "I've made up my mind." I mumble. "made up your mind for what Colleen?" he asks panicking a bit. I just smile and shut my eyes. "I choose you" I mouth to him. "baby?" he says standing up looking at my eyes. "Josh, I'm sorry." I say tearing up now. "what are you sorry for? dumping me months ago?" he questions. I keep my eyes shut and nod slightly. My smile disappears when I feel the baby. I grab Josh's wrist. "the baby's coming for real now." I say panicked. Mia and Joshua's eyes go wide. "I need to push!" I say struggling. Mia checks me. "Colleen, I need you to relax. I see the head." as she says those words a flood of nervousness washes through me. I'm not ready to be a parent. I shouldn't even have had a baby. What was I thinking. I push slightly and wince as I feel every single movement. I have my right leg up on the couch, Josh is dabbing my forehead with a face cloth as he holds my left leg for me. "I can't do this!" I yell after my second push. "Colleen there isn't any other option!" Mia says. "come on baby. do it for your parents, do it for our baby, do it for Becky, do it for me." he pleads. Now I know I have to make it through. All of the people on joshs list mean the world to me. And I would move heaven and earth for every. single. one. I push twice more. "come on sweetheart" Josh encourages. I push seven times until Mia gives me an update. "one more Colleen. give it your all." she says. That pumps my adrenaline and I push harder than I ever have. That's when I hear crying and screaming. My baby. The pain is gone. I am pain free. I did it! I had a baby! a baby that is half of Joshua and half of me. "oh my god Colleen." Josh says in complete shock. "she's absolutely beautiful." he adds in awh. I was right. It's a girl. Josh bends down to my face and moves the hair out of my face. I give him a weak smile. I place my hand on his cheek. "oh Joshua." I barely whisper. he grabs my shoulder and kisses my hair line. "Josh, take care of the baby for me please." I mumble still smiling. "Baby, what do you mean? Colleen you're not leaving me." he pleads more tears falling down his cheeks. "I love you, Joshua." I quietly mumble again. "Colleen, you aren't letting go. Come on stay with me baby" he says panicking. At this point I don't feel pain. I don't hear anything anymore. I feel tired. I need to close my eyes. Josh grabs my shoulder even tighter shaking me to keep me awake. "please don't leave me. Not yet. We're supposed to grow old together and own a small little house together watching our grandchildren play in our backyard." tears are now streaming down his entire face. "oh baby. I love you so much. Please find someone else." I tell him. "No Colleen. I'll only ever want you." he says leaning his forehead against mine. At this point I am crying but I'm not trying to cry. "Sing to our daughter every morning and night for me okay?" I ask him. He shakes his head no slightly in disbelief. "don't argue Joshua please." I plead. He nods his head shutting his eyes tightly. "tell me a lie." I ask after a few moments. "I don't love you" he replies without even thinking for a second. "I love you too" I say smiling. I feel tired. I close me eyes enjoying my vision 'till the last second. After that I hear nothing. No more baby, Mia isn't around. There is no blood. i see Joshua standing in front of a very very bright light. I walk closer until he wraps me in a warm hug. I exhale once more. My last breath.

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I'm an ass I know that