WattyWarriors Fan Magazine 5.0

Mock Warrior Interview: HawkFrost

(LIGHTS. CAMERA. ACTION)

Tiger: (to narrator) Please stop shouting, we're not deaf.

Narrator: (apologetic) Sorry sir.

(Tiger fixes his non-existent cat tie and shuffles his blank index cards, even though, again, he has paws.)

Tiger: Hello all, and welcome to another edition of Mock Warrior Interviews! This is your indubitably roguishly handsome host, Tiger.

*awkward cough from some cat in the crowd*

Tiger: Tonight we have a VERY special guest for you. Please welcome, all the way from the Dark Forest, HAWWWWWKFROST.

*Extremely small print flashes across the crowd screen: "Studio not responsible for any death, injury, maiming, rubber ducky stealing, ball-hogging, not-checking-back-during-a-game-of-hoops, milk-spilling, spawn-trapping, or otherwise deadly action taken by visitors from the Dark Forest. So Hammer you can't sue!"*

(Hawkfrost slowlys walks into stage towards his seat, without SWAG™)

Tiger: Hello Hawkfrost, glad you could make it to the show!

Hawkfrost (with a deadpan stare): Tigerstar is my father

Tiger: (caught off guard for a moment) Er... yes, we are aware. Anyway, can you tell us why you agreed to leave the Dark Forest and appear on our show today? You must know that you're one of the most hated cats in the history of history.

Hawkfrost (with the same deadpan stare): Tigerstar is my father

Tiger: Right... well, can you at least tell us what the conditions in the Dark Forest are like? I mean, I've seen postcards from Statclan and I must say I'm-

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

Tiger: Wait, did I just say Statclan? (Laughs at self) Stupid autocorrect, I meant to say Statclan.

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

Tiger (getting embarrassed now): *Statclan

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

(Visibly flustered, Tiger attempts to add Starclan to his phones dictionary. Instead, Statclan is added, and Starclan now corrects to Statclan every. Single. Time.)

Tiger: You know what, it's Statclan now. So Hawkfrost, just how different is the Dark Forest from Statclan?

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

Tiger (annoyed): Tell me Hawkfrost, who is your father?

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

Tiger: Do you prefer jelly or fluff on your peanut butter sandwiches?

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

Tiger: Do you still consider Pluto a planet?

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar-

Tiger: Will we ever solve the mystery of space travel?

Hawkfrost: Is-

Tiger: Did the Black Eyed Peas ever find where the love is?

Hawkfrost: My-

Tiger: Were the Apollo moon landings faked?

Hawkfrost: Father.

Tiger: Say "Tigerstar is my father" if you're a scrublord.

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

Tiger: #rekt

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

Tiger: CAN YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STARCLAN, TELL US WHO YOUR FATHER IS?

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is-

Tiger: Whoops, Caps lock was on folks, sorry for yelling. Well that's all the time we have for this segment, we hope you enjoyed Hawkfrost visit today. Until next time!

Hawkfrost: Tigerstar is my father.

*****

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***

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