The Bad Boy Wants Her [ COMPLETED ✓] | 18+

[ 29 ] creating myself

This wasn't right and I knew that. This was the last straw. I couldn't consume myself with this anymore. It was becoming overwhelming, overbearing, too powerful for me to handle.

"Can we just go home? I'm sorry..." My voice seemed to crack as I tried to explain myself. "I just...I just can't tonight....I'm sorry for wasting you time, Lily. I'm so..." The tears mixed within my sentence, making it hard for me to completely say them. I'm not sure if Lily could even make out my words from how horribly I was speaking. "I'm sorry for wasting your time," I almost seemed to choke on the hiccup that clogged my throat. I wiped at my face again, hating that the salty tears were staining my skin.

But Lily didn't press. She didn't force me to keep talking, she didn't pressure me into pouring out my issues to her. And honestly, I was already pouring out all my emotions out. I don't think I can stand another night locked up in my dorm room, balling my eyes out over him again. I don't think my body can withstand the stress that is controlling every limb attached to me. But my tensed figure seem to relax just as the engine started and Lily pulled away from the packed parking lot of the hospital.

*****

Day one. I missed two classes today. I couldn't find it in myself to get from under the thick duvet. I didn't have the strength to shake my body or consume anything. I didn't have the strength to eat, although Lily did buy me food. It was around seven and the food had been placed on my desk at two in the afternoon. It smelled good, I just couldn't get enough will power to detach myself from the bed. I'd cried myself to sleep last night, ruining Lily's rest as well. She decided to stay with me in the door, holding me and trying to shush my cries but nothing helped. I whined and complained, wondering why God would let something like this happen to me. I wondered why I had been put in this situation.

When I decided to attend this school, I was determined on trying to be more social and have fun. I was determined to shake away my shyness and try new things, explore, go to parties, have fun. My dad had told me that life wasn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. Later on, I found that he didn't actually make that quote up but it did speak volumes to my ears. College was the part where I would create myself. Determine who I wanted to be and do the things I want to do. No where in my self-building journey had I ever thought about finding a guy that would take interest in me. Hhmp. Maybe I should rephrase that. Now looking back, I doubt that he was ever interested. Maybe I was just the fruit that no one had yet to bite. I was the girl that he knew wouldn't run her mouth if we did have sexual experiences with one another. I was the insecure girl that needed the approval of a man to build up a somewhat high self-esteem. I will admit it.

I am that girl. I was the untouchable fruit. I was too shy to expose our private moments. I was the girl everyone called fat, with thick thighs, stretch marks that lay above my breast and around my stomach, the girl that sometimes couldn't fit into jeans because my butt pushed out a little more than others, the girl that was afraid to weight herself and look at the number. I was the stupid girl that allowed a guy to play me as a fool, to touch my body and decode my heart. I was the girl that just couldn't take it anymore.

*****

Day two. I woke up this afternoon--Oh, let me just say that again. I woke up this afternoon--to a series of calls and messages. I didn't check them. I actually got out of bed, saw the screen blinking crazily and just turned it off. Yesterday night I fell asleep around four am. My thoughts controlled my every being. Lily came again yesterday after her classes. She forced me to eat. Well, not really force, but she assisted. She and Claire both came by, trying to make me get out of bed and go somewhere with them. But I declined. I just wanted to be alone right now. I needed to have a few days to myself to think. I needed to somehow recollect myself and gain composure.